Life in These United States

IN THESE United States

A gust of wind through an open living room window blew over a tall lamp, causing it to smash the curved glass side of a priceless antique French cabinet. I was distraught. Thank goodness my six-yearold son was there to console me. “Don’t worry, Daddy,” he said. “It was old.”

—John Melmed Rockville, Maryland

My wife and I decided we’ll need a vacation once the world reopens. I taped a world map to the refrigerator, gave my wife a magnetic dart, and said, “Wherever it lands is our vacation spot!”

Seems we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge. —Joseph Hubisz Bradford, New Hampshire

Kids are finicky eaters. On the Facebook page My Kid Can’t Eat This, parents share just how finicky their little food critics are:

✦“My kid can’t eat onion rings because, although he loves onion rings, recently he learned they contain onions.”

✦“After my kids watched the movie Ratatouille 658,098,764

“Would you please stop reading over my shoulder?”

times and asked me to make what they made 787,628 times, I spent hours scouring the Internet for the exact same recipe from the movie and made it. And now they can’t eat it because a rat didn’t make it.”

✦“Because she asked for cheese and crackers, not crackers and cheese.”

✦“My kid can’t eat corn unless I cut it off the cob. He’s 27.”

My three-year-old great-grandson and I spent the day reading, watering flowers, and baking cookies. As he sat on a stool in front of the oven waiting for the cookies, he turned to me with a sense of excitement and announced, “This is the greatest day of my life!”

—Nancy Wright Shelton, Washington

There’s going to be a point in my life when my son looks up at me and thinks, “Gee, my mom knows everything!” Then he’ll get to sixth-grade math class, and I’ll say, “Well, kid, this is where we part ways.”

— @hannaheinbinder