Lift Your Own Spirits
We all feel down now and then, especially lately. These techniques can help you bounce back.
by courtenay Smith and Samantha rideout
On a freezing January evening, Ashley Austrew sat in her car in an Omaha, Nebraska, parking lot, working up the courage to go into a comedy improv class. For 20 minutes, the 33-year-old journalist and mom of two sat with swirling thoughts of self-doubt: “OMG, I can’t do this. I’ll be the worst one.” Then she turned off the engine, took a few deep breaths, and went inside.
For Austrew, trying improv was the first small step to improve her selfesteem. “All my life, I’ve lacked confidence,” she says. “I didn’t have the courage to try anything new.” So she made a list of all the things she was afraid to attempt and then asked herself, What if I didn’t let my excuses win? Improv was her biggest target.
Her fear dissolved as soon as she walked into the class. Her classmates were also beginners, and she discovered that she was perfectly capable of earning a few laughs and making new friends. Over the next two years, Austrew went on to tackle other what-ifs, including writing a book. “Self-esteem is like a muscle—you have to work it constantly,” she says.
Some people are blessed with a seemingly unshakable positivity, but most of us need to learn how to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. Psychologists say we tend to experience our lowest self-esteem in adolescence and spend much of our adult lives slowly building it back up. Staying positive has been tough in the past year. Since the pandemic began, three times as many American adults have reported symptoms of depression or anxiety (the malevolent cousins to low self-worth) compared with 2019. Thankfully, like Austrew, we can learn to feel better about ourselves and strengthen our feelings of hope. (Of course, anyone experiencing severe or persistent symptoms should seek professional help.) Here are eight science-backed strategies to improve your relationship with the person in the mirror.
Embrace the Upside of Feeling Down
First, realize that negative emotions aren’t inherently bad—they can be useful. “That ping of anxiety gets my attention and says, ‘Hey, you need to focus on this,’” says psychologist Ethan Kross, author of Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It. If you need to deal with an immediate problem—say, reining in overspending—that call to focus is helpful. But negativity spirals into something harmful when a particular thought circuit just won’t shut off. If you can’t sleep because of it, feel physically stressed all the time, or keep rehashing the same situation, those are signs you need to employ tools to break the cycle, says Kross.
Engage in Smarter Self-talk
In his lab at the University of Michigan, Kross asks subjects to talk to
themselves in the second person, and to use their own names. Instead of saying, “I’m so nervous about this meeting on Tuesday,” for example, say, “[Your name], you seem pretty nervous about this meeting.” Kross’s research shows that this simple shift in language gets people into problem-solving mode quicker. “They turn into coaches and start advising themselves, taking stock of the problem and figuring out if they have the resources to meet it,” Kross says.
Change Your View—literally
If you are forlornly looking out the window lost in a thought loop, walk to a different window. Alternate perspectives help us digest our experiences, and changing our physical view intuitively jogs a different emotional one as well. “When I’m stuck feeling a certain way and I choose to walk away and look for something better—that’s a choice to do something good for myself. That itself is a treatment,” says Sasha Storaasli, LCSW, an end-of-life counselor to terminally ill transplant patients in New York City.
Repeat a Task You’re Good At
Canadian psychologist Patrick Keelan plays piano every day. It’s one way he practices what he preaches. When he’s helping people with low self-esteem, he suggests they routinely engage with activities that use or improve their skills. “When you’re doing something that you’re good at or getting better at, it gets harder to think negatively about yourself,” he explains. So don’t wait until you’re feeling confident to work on your chess game, learn to build furniture, or try out a new recipe. According to a 14-year study of 7,000 volunteers, increasing the self-perception that you’re mastering an activity of interest to you can boost your self-esteem at every age.
Reminisce
While some research suggests happiness increases with age, studies also suggest that self-esteem peaks at age 60, then declines. As people get older, the loss of loved ones, professional identity, or independence can threaten the sense of who they are. Telling someone stories from the past may bolster self-esteem at this key moment. In a 2015 study from Iran, a group of widowed men 60 and over shared memories of the events and life lessons that had shaped their lives.
This “promoted a sense of identity and a positive contribution to the next generation, and reaffirmed the meaning of their lives,” the researchers reported. Take a trip down memory lane by looking through a photo album with loved ones or playing music that reminds you of meaningful moments.
Believe that You Matter
A 2020 study reveals that mattering— the bedrock belief that you are important and worthy of consideration—is linked to joy. Strong personal relationships are the best aids to believing you matter, says an article published last year in the Journal of Mental Health and Addiction. Spend time with loved ones, and remind them you offer a shoulder to cry on. “It’s nice to know that someone cares, and they in turn can count on me when they need help,” said one person who was interviewed. Maintaining a sense of control, especially over your health-care issues, also boosts that sense of importance. When you take the initiative to find medical providers attentive to your needs or ask family members not to bypass you when medical decisions are being made, you reinforce the feeling that you are worthy of attention.
Share Your Feelings—carefully
When we feel strong negative emotions, we often feel an urgent need to talk about them. Research shows that this doesn’t always ease our turmoil, nor do venting sessions where both parties complain. Such interactions can reactivate negative emotions, making us live through them again. What’s important is to get feedback that moves you beyond negative feelings, says Kross. “Talk about what’s bothering you, but be deliberate,” he says. “Go to someone empathetic, someone who doesn’t just listen but who gives you advice and helps you see the bigger picture.” Storaasli puts it bluntly: “You need people who lift you up. If you don’t have those people, find them.”
Get Moving
There’s no silver bullet for improving low morale, but exercise is the closest thing we have. Not only is it good for stress management and general mental health but it also provides a sense of competence and accomplishment. Over the years, dozens of studies have indicated that exercise has a significant impact on physical self-worth and other self-perceptions. The activity you choose matters less than enjoying it, sticking to it, and getting at least a moderate challenge out of it. If going to the gym is not an option or very enjoyable to you, then head outdoors for a run or a nice brisk walk.
MUSIC THAT REMINDS YOU OF MEANINGFUL MOMENTS CAN BOOST YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.