Life in These United States
in these United States
Every year for my birthday, my husband buys me a particular perfume that has a delicate floral scent that I especially love. This past year, with money tight, I told him not to bother getting me a gift. Instead, I asked that he handwrite a beautiful letter encapsulating our 25 years together.
My husband leaned in, gently took my hand, and begged, “Can I please just buy you a bottle of perfume?” —Lisa Collins
Rock Hill, South Carolina
Scene: A morning with my six-year-old granddaughter, Emma
Me: Would you like bacon and eggs for breakfast?
Emma: I only like eggs when they’re mixed with something.
Me: Like omelets?
Emma: No, like brownies. —Elizabeth Cooper Trinity, North Carolina
My mutant superpower is I can open any snack’s packaging the wrong way so it’s impossible to close it again.
— @aparnapkin
Spotted on the back of an Amish horse-drawn carriage in Pennsylvania, this handwritten sign: “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.” —Wilson Frampton Lewes, Delaware
My favorite species of birds are the ones named by people who clearly hate birds.
✦ Drab seedeater
✦ Goaway bird
✦ Rough-faced shag
✦ Common loon
✦ Sad flycatcher
✦ Little bustard
✦ Perplexing scrub wren
✦ Satanic nightjar
✦ Monotonous lark — @stu_bot3000
My niece wants to know: If she donates her hair, and the recipient of her
hair commits a crime and leaves hair at the crime scene, will her DNA be found all over the crime scene and thus incriminate her? She’s 12. — @Philnobilejr
While doing volunteer work, I began to sing a favorite song of mine to pass the time. Another volunteer perked his ears.
“Who sings that?” he asked.
“The Traveling Wilburys,” I replied.
He nodded. “Well, let’s keep it that way.” —Christopher Thorsen
Wadesville, Indiana
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