Life in These United States
When my five-yearold came home from his very first day in kindergarten, I excitedly asked, “So how was your first day of school?”
Dropping his backpack, he said, “Well, I’ll tell you one thing: I am never going back to that place.”
—KAY MARSKE Bettendorf, Iowa
I was new to the South when I stopped off at a fast-food restaurant. When my order arrived, I pointed out that the dressing on the salad was orange rather than the ranch I had asked for.
“Oh, sorry, hon,” the clerk replied. “You said ranch. I thought you said Franch.”
—DEBRA GRIZZLE Royston, Georgia
Mom, who is 94 and an avid reader, was perusing a list of new books from the public library when she noted disappointedly, “I never see familiar
authors on these lists.”
My ever-helpful husband explained, “That’s because Louisa May Alcott died.” —Colleen Weber Broken Bow, Nebraska
My husband was displeased with the jar of pimiento-stuffed green olives he had bought: “They’re just not vinegary.”
“They were vinegary when I ate them,” said our youngest son.
“When did you eat them?” I asked.
“This morning. I sucked all the red things out and put the olives back in the jar.” —Linda Bennett Mountain Home, Idaho
During a drive through farm country, my mother spotted a large sign that made her shake her head: Orchard for Sale.
“Well, that’s dumb,” she said.
“Why do you say that?” I asked.
“Who’s going to want to transplant all those trees?” —Linda Throp Orangevale, California
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
✦ He invented the thumbs-up.
✦ Only “some” lizards can read.
✦ He forgot how to eat carrots.
✦ His day care allows swords. — @HENPECKEDHAL
“My hair’s not messy. It’s on an adventure.” —My nine-year-old daughter, officially kicking off her career as my spiritual advisor — @Letmestart