Laugh Lines

Why do football players only dance when good stuff happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception and do a sad, interpretative dance.

— @Mrgeorgewallace

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better

than “I quit halfway through

a marathon.” — @Rickaaron

If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if

I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one-handed,

no look.

— @Shrinkmedia I remember being at girls’ high school volleyball games as a little kid and thinking “These are some of the most powerful babysitters in the world.”

— @louisvirtel You should be able to play defense at bowling.

— @garfpooop

The part of the baseball game I most identify

with is the umpire neurotically dusting home plate after the players mess it up.

— @amydillon