WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

✦ I collect malapropisms. Some good ones: “Sitting back on one’s hinges.” “Bull in a china closet.” “Nip it in the butt.” My favorite came in response to a first aid questionnaire handed out by my women’s group. To the question “If someone was choking, what would you do?” one person wrote, “I would perform the Hamlet Maneuver.” —Virginia Cook Elkridge, Maryland

✦ is on and Harry Potter my dad thinks Voldemort’s name is Baltimore. —twitter@dubstep4dads

✦ Yes, I may have misheard you, but this doesn’t mean I don’t want a night cat any less. —twitter @Royal_stein

✦ My boyfriend worked in a posh hotel, and at breakfast someone asked, “Is this crème fraîche?” He replied, “Yeah, we don’t serve out-of-date food.” —twitter@lilyannatrnr