One-sided travel puts strain on one partner
(Adapted from an online discussion.)
Myboyfriend and I are longdistance. He lives in the nicer apartment and more exciting city, so nine times out of 10— about once every two weeks— I drive five hours each way to visit him.
I amalways glow-y and happy about these visits, so it’s taken me months to realize I’m spending a fortune on gas and going to work exhausted after each return trip — not to mention falling behind onmy housework and forgoing a social life at home.
I mentioned this to my boyfriend, never dreaming his response would be anything other than, “Oops! We’ll start splitting the visits.” Instead he launched into a campaign about why his city is better, and it’s clear he has no intention of visiting me more than every four to six months.
Suddenly I amless excited aboutmy visits and the drive, tolls, etc. Now what? We are both committed to the relationship; I want to give it a chance.
Why? He just totally dismissed your effort and hardship, and he prioritized his own fun and convenience. He sounds like a terrible long-term investment.
Re: Long Distance:
The point of a visit isn’t the city — it is to spend time with your significant other. It sounds like the boyfriend wants it all without effort. (I’m a guy; I’d never do this to somebody I cared about and wanted to see.) — Guy
Thank you, Guy.
I prefer the room temperature to be a bit lower in winter and higher in the summer than my partner of nine years does, and we’re always tweaking the thermostat.
I prefer 66 to 68 degrees on winter days, wearing long sleeves, and cooler at night, with a comforter to keep warm.
She would have it 70 to 72 degrees day and night, which to me feels too warm and like short-sleeve temperature, and she doesn’t like a heavy comforter at night. In the summer, I prefer 74 to 76 in the day and she likes 72, which to me feels chilly.
I realize we have different comfort levels and neither one is good or bad, though mine is more resource- and environmentally friendly. One doesn’t necessarily have the right to tell the other what the setting ought to be. How do we settle this?
You choose the temperature that allows you both to be comfortable without taking uncomfortable measures.
For example: If you’re comfortable at 67 wearing a sweater, but she needs two sweaters at that temperature, then you turn up the heat— because asking someone to wear two sweaters is a doink move. You set the thermostat at the one-sweater mark for her, and you just wear less.
At night, nothing so hot you can’t sleep.
Or you just pick the middle temp between your two preferences and manage it, because that’s what adults do. So, 69 degrees 24/7 winter and 73 summer, and we all take a moment to express gratitude we don’t still live in caves.
Experiment with each having your own blanket, since you have different temperature and weight preferences.