DEAR ANNIE®
Dear Annie: I find it incredible that so many people want to push their views on children who do not belong to their family and then pass judgment on their parents. There have been numerous scientific studies proving that children become smarter and more confident when they play by themselves or with other children without adults’ helicoptering interference. Adults do not exist to be toys or full-time entertainers for our children. We raise them, feed them, clothe them and nurse them through medical illness, which are all things that require a large amount of attention and love.
No one has any idea what a person does on their cellphone. They could be arranging much needed medical care, working to pay the bills, communicating with school, or simply reading the news or an ebook. When I was a child, my nose was stuck in a book 75% of my free time. The rest of my time was spent jumping rope, playing marbles and getting into antics with the neighborhood kids. My mother drew during most of her free time and read the rest of the time.
There was never an expectation for her to give me her undivided attention. She was an adult, with adult concerns, that included taking care of me in ways that were far more important than entertaining me. I hope you can gently remind the next person who complains about parents on smartphones of this. I would be happy to forward published academic medical articles upon request. Thank you. -Doctor Who Knows
Dear Doctor: Thank you for your letter. You are correct that criticism of other people’s parenting is widespread and unfortunate. Helicopter parenting is a big problem as well, and kids do best when given appropriate age independence.
Seeing a parent on a smartphone while ignoring their children is easy to complain about, but, as you say, what if they are on the phone to pay bills or make a doctor’s appointment for the child? On the other hand, scrolling down social media posts endlessly while ignoring one’s child is never good. Perhaps a balance is what is called for.
Dear Annie: To the woman who wrote to you about the heartache of Valentine’s Day each year, as the day she lost her precious baby,
I am so sorry for their loss. A similar thing happened to me with my last baby. A relative who meant well asked me soon after he passed if she could put my son’s “birthday” on the family calendar. I said no, because that’s also his death day, and we didn’t want it to be a sad reminder each year and become a hard day for us. It could have been very difficult for us to move forward. But we choose to celebrate that day each year instead as his “Angel Day.”
He was the youngest of six children, who didn’t understand why their baby brother didn’t come home with Mommy from the hospital. We chose to tell our children that he was so perfect that he was called back to heaven to be an angel.
They never were sad or questioned this answer but accepted that he was needed as an angel. Almost two decades later, they never have forgotten this special date. Each year on that day, we celebrate his life by eating angel food cake for dessert and having happy thoughts of our little angel! I recommend this to anyone dealing with this same grief. I hope this helps Valentine’s parents. It helped my whole family! -- Valentine Baby
Dear Valentine Baby: What a beautiful tradition to honor your baby. Thank you so much for sharing and helping others who might be in similar situations.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http:// www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@ creators.com.