DeSantis campaign can’t possibly get any worse

Dear Gov. DeSantis:

My name is Rex Huppke and I’m applying for the soon-to-be-open-again position of campaign manager with your gobsmackingly horrendous presidential campaign.

I realize you just replaced previous campaign manager Generra Peck with your former chief of staff, James Uthmeier. But given the campaign’s track record of being almost comically awful, I feel confident that by the time you receive this application, the position will be open again.

Uthmeier has no experience managing a campaign and neither do I. So I’d like to throw my hat in the ring, knowing my main competition will likely be a framed print of the word “WOKE” next to an angry-face emoji.

You’re probably asking yourself: Why would I want some liberal mainstream media columnist running my campaign? Or maybe you’re not asking that. You don’t seem preoccupied with self-reflection.

Not to worry. The answer is simple and twofold. First, as a liberal, I’m capable of empathy. (I realize that has been largely outlawed in Florida.) As such, I almost feel sorry for your campaign.

You, Governor, have gone from daydreaming of the Oval Office to getting your tail end handed to you over and over again by a mean man who peppers you with childish insults and gets indicted about every other week. It’s all a bit sad, in a Sisyphean kind of way. Enjoyable to watch, but sad.

The second reason I’d make a valuable campaign manager is that I recognize, better than anyone in your circle and most in the right-wing fever swamps, what it is about you that makes you so remarkably unlikable and has you polling about 15% among Republican primary voters.

Allow me to share a few of the outstanding ideas I would bring to Ron DeSantis for President, ideas that could easily help you lose to a man who may soon be in prison by a deeply embarrassing 25 percentage points rather than an absolutely mortifying 35 percentage points.

Keep rebooting!

It didn’t take long for people to realize your campaign’s answer to constantly stepping on rakes was to shout: “MORE RAKES, PLEASE!” So late last month, you trimmed staff and announced a campaign reboot. That worked so well that you followed the reboot up with another reboot, making Uthmeier your new campaign manager. (Again, I’m assuming he’ll be gone by the time you read this application letter. Fingers crossed!)

Now you should hire me (another reboot!) and then plan on at least one reboot per week through the primaries. It will keep mainstream media folks like myself on our toes and keep your name out there. Trust me, Governor, they’ll be laughing with you, not at you.

Less Ron DeSantis!

You have to give the people what they want, and they definitely want less of you. No offense – unless you’d like to take offense, which would be fine.

I would suggest you take a step back from the campaign trail ... a few more steps back ... a few more ... almost there. Now wait until you hear a splash and enjoy the refreshing water of the Gulf of Mexico while the rest of us try to help you lose less badly.

Try not being a super mean!

Based on the draconian legislation you’ve passed in Florida – going after transgender youth, banning abortion after six weeks, making it so teachers can’t speak above a Puritan whisper – it seems you thought Republican voters were pining for someone who fit the description “meaner than Trump, and awkward.”

You were wrong. It appears they want Trump, period. I guess he’s just the right amount of mean.

Call me when you’re ready to re-re-reboot!

— Rex Huppke

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk