An eclipse-driven end times could have spared us from election news
Like most Americans, I was banking on the solar eclipse ushering in the end times and saving me from the unbearable horrors of a presidential election year and the general absurdity of human existence.
But Monday’s much-ballyhooed eclipse came and went and … nothing. The lights came back on, the land remained unblighted and America continued to exist. Nary a locust to be found.
Clearly, this was a huge disappointment. It’s like the Groundhog Day groundhog telling us we have six more weeks of winter, only this was the sun telling us we have to continue existing for an indefinite period of time in a world where people think random doses of horse dewormer are safer than vaccines.
Why oh why did the solar eclipse not usher in the end times?
Pondering the months ahead and the mind-blistering daily nonsense that will be blasted from Donald Trump’s mouth-cannon, I viewed the potentially apocalyptic solar eclipse as a welcome way to shuffle off this mortal coil.
The moon blocking out the sun, I was told by the kind of sources who embraced the aforementioned horse dewormer, was a harbinger of doom. And as I glanced at a few social media feeds and saw the gushers of left- and right-wing babble, I welcomed the sweet embrace of death that would accompany this celestial moment.
I joined the masses in counting down the moments until the skies began to dim.
I wasn’t in the path of totality but figured (fingers crossed!) the inevitable rivers of fire would still consume me.
Worst. Solar eclipse. Ever.
Slowly but surely, the sunlight dimmed. But then, in a matter of minutes, it started coming back.
What the heck? I was promised a descent into eternal darkness and an end to the ceaseless anguish of American life. Why could I still see my laptop and a headline that read: “Trump revives his wish that immigrants came from rich White countries.”
THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS COUNTING ON THE ECLIPSE TO ERADICATE!!!
Our dreams of an end to American politics (and life) faded quickly
Nothing freakin’ happened. Satan’s demonic minions didn’t rise up from the ground and drag me to the fiery pits of hell. There were literally zero raptures. The earth did not split open and swallow all of humanity into its gaping maw.
I briefly thought I saw a chupacabra, but it was just my dog wearing her chupacabra costume.
You disappoint me, eclipse. I had such high hopes for an end of days.
Good grief. What’s a guy gotta do to drown in a river of blood and avoid months of hearing people who don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re” defend a con-artist former president who wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire.
Thanks for nothing, solar eclipse. A lot of us were counting on you to bring a swift end to the chaos of modern American life.
Now we’re left to wait around and hope an asteroid comes along and does the job properly.