Why is he trying to sabotage his partner’s very public success?
Hi, Carolyn: I have just had a very public success: Something I’ve written and starred in premiered to rave reviews in the national paper, sold out houses, etc.
It’s like my partner is doing his best to ruin my big week. He has barely spoken to me other than to call me selfish for leaving our son each evening to perform, and to say my costume is unflattering. I just can’t fathom why he’d act this way the week I most need his support. It was terrifying to launch this, and I didn’t need someone berating me late into the night before the big day. I can’t shake the thought that he’s trying to sabotage me, and this is something I won’t be able to forget. How do I talk to him about this? –
Big Week: That is, on its face, at least, remarkably hostile behavior.
So be straightforward: “This was huge for me. I see it as a success for us and want to share it with you – while you go mostly silent except to berate me, call me selfish, question my devotion to our child and criticize my costume. Am I wrong? Please help me understand.”
However you phrase it, the point is to state what you observed, how you feel about it and that you are open to his version of events in case you misread him. Give him the chance to make this right.
If he doesn’t, then, best case, you’re looking at a partner who reacts to stress or fear or complicated feelings by sulking and lashing out. Worst case, you’re right about the sabotage and need to figure out your next step with someone who can’t sing backup. I hope it doesn’t come to that, and he just says, ugh, sorry, I was nervous and I cracked.
A reader’s thought:
● Learn about narcissism. Narcissists are famous for this stuff, down to the guilt trip about “leaving” your child to do your work. Partner does not want you outshining them. “Unflattering costume” is taking you down a few pegs – who do you think you are? Partner probably never expected you to be successful.
Dear Carolyn: My ex-husband has been heavily involved in a cultlike multilevel marketing organization that has depleted him of his finances, robbed him of his mental and emotional agency, and then some. He is now a penniless train wreck. I no longer respect him, but I do care about what my kids will go through if he loses his home (the kids’ childhood home) to foreclosure. I am wondering if I should ask his parents or his brother for their help.
My ex is very prideful and stubborn, and won’t admit when he’s wrong or down. Historically, his parents – though I love and continue to have a good relationship with them – are enablers. He puts on a great facade, though I know his parents have an inkling of his dire straits. They’ve had to fork over $100,000 to keep him from going to jail for taking money from me and stealing our kids’ college funds. But I think his brother is in the dark and may be the only one who could get through to him.
Do I stay out of it? Or reach out to the brother?
Anonymous: I don’t see much of a downside to telling the brother. Tipping off family members to emergencies is the standard exception to the rules about minding one’s own business, and your ex sounds like a one-man emergency.