Crash a destination wedding where you don’t know a single person.
You have the rest of your life to go to weddings that you’re actually invited to. But wouldn’t it be more fun to show up at a wedding where you don’t know a soul? The farther away, the better? Bonus points: Give a toast. (And cry!) Double bonus points: Dance with the moms. Viva amore!
A crucial part of a human being’s developmental cycle is maximizing the brief window of time when getting tossed from a bar is a cool thing to do. If you do it too young, it just looks like you weren’t ready to start handling yourself in places where lights are dim, drinks are strong, and dudes named Tiny get paid to bounce knuckleheads off fire hydrants. Do it too old, you just look pitiful. But in each life, there is but a flicker of the candle where getting the bum’s rush is a rite of passage. Watch Road House if you need instructions, and remember what Patrick Swayze says: Pain don’t hurt. But make sure to get good and drunk beforehand. Getting thrown out of a bar without hurling afterward is just kinda tacky.
Like the song says: Release your anger, release your mind, release your job, release the time. The golden hours of your youth spent in sweat and toil for what, exactly? Screw that. It’s time to shake things up. In ancient times, pilgrims would journey across mountains to kiss the sacred shrine of a saint or a messiah. In medieval days, revelers would follow the Dead on tour, one 35-minute “Scarlet Begonias/Fire on the Mountain” at a time. In a more recent era, maybe they’d rave their brains out in Ibiza. Simply put, it’s a primal need. With Beyoncé — one of the greatest live performers to ever do it — going back on tour, your course of action is clear: Blow off your nine-to-five grind, bid sayonara to your daily responsibilities, don’t let the corporate world break your soul, and follow the queen to the ends of the Earth. Just like the song says, “If you don’t seek it, you won’t see it.” Isn’t this what Beyoncé would want?