There’s no question it’s time for Answer Man

ey, what time is it, boys and girls? It is time for Answer Man! The show that gives you the straight skinny to whatever has you bewitched, bothered and bewildered. Answer Man is so confident in his responses that he offers a money-back guarantee. If you are dissatisfied in any way with Answer Man’s replies, just send him your bank account information, your most recent tax return and a copy of your Social Security number. Answer Man will take care of the rest.

Today’s answers have been verified by Barney Funk and Porter Wagnalls. Any rebroadcast, retransmission or rebuttal of today’s column without the expressed written consent of The Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Co., located in Greater Garfield, Georgia, is prohibited and is likely to get you sprayed with Piperonyl Butoxide by Junior E. Lee, the firm’s general manager and a pest control professional. Let’s take our first question.

Dear Answer Man: I think you are a Clinton-loving, big government, bed-wetting liberal. What do you say to that? — Angry White Guy Dear A.W.G.: Dang. You are very observant. I didn’t think it showed.

Dear Answer Man: I think you are a Rush Limbaugh-loving, red-necked male chauvinist pig. What do you say to that? — Angry White Woman

Dear A.W.W.: Dang. You are very observant. I didn’t think it showed. DICK YARBROUGH other. As for the good folks in Attapulgus, if it would keep out carpetbaggers who think we Southerners talk funny and marry our third cousins, they would probably welcome the wall. Sorry I can’t underwrite it, though. Fake news doesn’t pay as much as you might think.

Dear Answer Man: I understand you are back to driving after an absence of several months. Have you noticed any changes on our roads? — Luther from Luthersville

Dear Luther: Yes, I am back on the highways. And, no, not much has changed. I am pleased to say the Hi-Yo Hitchens Initiative remains in force. As you may recall, that was a groundbreaking piece of legislation sponsored by Rep. Bill Hitchens, R-Rincon, that declares no matter how fast you are going, say warp speed, and someone comes up behind you at, say warp speed times two, you must move over or be cited by the police for something other than going warp speed. Things seem to be working as intended, except when a semi breaks the sound barrier.

Well, boys and girls, that’s all the time we have today. Be sure and tune in same time next week when our topic will be what squirrels and California have in common. Hint: Think nuts. In the meantime, keep those cards and letters coming in.