Graduation advice that’s useful, maybe
This month, a high school or college graduate can’t go to the bathroom without receiving “words of wisdom” from us old folks. I recall my graduation from college — not too many (dog) years ago. I sat in a cap and gown at a graduation and some guy got up before us and said a bunch of stuff like “Be all you can be and you’ll go far” and “One person can change the world” and “Never look a gift horse in the mouth.” Which I haven’t — mainly because I haven’t been able to find a “gift horse.” I assume it to be a horse that doles out gifts. If you see such a horse, please let me know.
But none of what that dude said has helped me prepare for my career, for my life, for the real-world issues and conundrums that would come before me.
I wish that man had told us that you aren’t supposed to use the boss’s personal bathroom, that you shouldn’t smoke when siphoning gas, that drinking a beer during a job interview is frowned upon, that real jobs don’t have spring break.
Those are mistakes that could have easily been avoided. And I don’t want today’s graduates to make the same mistakes that my wife made.
Thus, in the interests of mankind, I have put together some tidbits of advice that graduates can actually use. It’s my gift to them. Digest:
♦ Don’t ever say “I’m starving” out loud until you know what’s being served. They may be serving liver-kabobs.
♦ Trust your instincts.
Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, don’t trust your instincts.
♦ Never play cards with someone who has a nickname that includes a major American city — i.e, “Detroit Danny” or “Memphis Mel.”
♦ Personality and your appearance count a great deal.
That doesn’t mean you have to be a supermodel. But if you look like a bum, and act like a bum — you’re a bum.
♦ If you have to break up with your significant other, write them a letter. In that
letter, simply put: “Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”
There’s always someone else. Don’t make a fool of yourself over someone else. Only make a fool of yourself over yourself.
♦ If you have a chance to further your education, do it.
If you receive a two-year degree, you’ll earn $400,000 more, on average, over your working life than if you just graduated from high school. If you go on to get your bachelor’s (four-year) degree, that’s $500,000 more — meaning, $900,000 more over your life than if you just graduated from high school. If you get a Master’s degree, add $400,000 more. Doctorate or professional degree, add $1 to $2 million more.
Education is expensive, but it’s the best investment you’ll ever make.
♦ If you have roommates, avoid putting any type of bill in your name.
♦ Stay away from credit cards. You can reserve a hotel room with a debit card. That’s all you need.
♦ Don’t make any career decisions solely based on love.
Quitting your job and moving to be near them may sound great — until they dump you and you find yourself living in New Jersey.
♦ If you have children now, or plan to have children in the future, don’t let them know that Disney World is in Florida. I’ve told mine Disney World is in China. Children, I’ve found, don’t know anything about geography. They’re stupid like that.
♦ For those going to college: Live as close to campus as you can. By eliminating obstacles, and excuses, you’ll go to class more often.
♦ Make decisions on the way you behave by answering the following: “If my grandmother saw me doing this, would she approve?”
That may be the best piece of advice you’ll ever receive — unless your grandmother is some kind of sinister miscreant.
In that case, you’re on your own.
Email Len Robbins at lrobbins @theclinchcountynews.com.