My very first pyramid scheme
I’m in my very first pyramid scheme and I’m excited about it. I should go ahead and say that the “scheme” is really just a holiday gift exchange where you purchase one bottle of bourbon and send it to someone, and then the idea is that you receive several bottles from various people who are also participating. I may get one bottle back or I might get several. Who knows. So as far as pyramid schemes go it’s not lucrative. It’s just fun.
I will report on the results in a future column.
BUT this is a good way for me to dip my toes into the genre.
I don’t know a whole lot about pyramid schemes but from what I can tell they’re fascinating. If you’re at the top or near the top of the pyramid then you’ve just got tons of people below you making you money.
Here’s how to tell (from my experience) if someone is trying to pitch you a pyramid scheme:
1. It’s usually someone you went to high school with and you haven’t heard from in YEARS. Then one day you like one of their Facebook photos and suddenly they reach out to you and want to help you turn your life around. One time a friend from high school reached out after years of no contact and wanted to get together and catch up. I was excited to hear about how he was doing and about his family. Well he shows up with a DVD presentation and wanted me to invest in a cable company.
2. They use the word “EMPIRE” a lot. They talk about how they built their empire from basically nothing and how you too can build your own empire with hard work and vision. Don’t you want your own empire? I certainly do.
3. When pyramid scheme people are pitching something on social media they use tons of emojis. Almost every sentence in their post contains at least one emoji to sort of jump out at you and punctuate that sentence in a fun, colorful way.
4. They love telling you all the things they paid for with the money the pyramid scheme made them. They show you receipts from their child’s orthodontist or where they paid off their student loan. They might take a picture of that huge TV they just bought or some other cool electronic device. Some of them even post photos of their new truck and say “this was paid for with extra cash I made selling so-and-so. Don’t be a slave to your bills. Do you want financial freedom? Ask me how I did it.”
5. They’re always buying sweet little gifts for people in their “network” and posting photos of them. They’ll post photos of gift cards, coffee, scarves, candles and other cute gifts they bought for the people under them in the pyramid. It makes you a little jealous because you’d also like a “cinnamon dreams” scented candle. If only you were in this person’s network you could also be receiving gifts. You simply must sign up. She’s so good to her people.
6. A lot of the time, you won’t even know what the product or service is up front. Many pyramid scheme pitches are very vague. It’s some sort of weight loss product or some fancy toothpaste or some other life-changing product, but can she message you privately to tell you all about it?
7. Pyramid scheme people LOVE posting motivational quotes. I think this is a chapter in the pyramid scheme handbook they’re all given. It probably says if they post inspirational quotes, then others will be motivated to want to change their lives for the better. They’ll want to be brave and fearless. But how do they do that? I’m glad you asked.
8. Their social media bios say they’re “entrepreneurs.”
9. One of the classic signs of a pyramid scheme is that you have to buy into this program or product in order to start selling or marketing it. And they make you feel like it’s an “investment” in your future. I love that they’re looking out for you and your family.
10. You may be asked to host a party. This is one of the funniest things about pyramid schemes to me. You have to get a group of your friends together at your house and provide drinks and snacks under the guise of a “party” but, really, when they get there they have to sit and listen to a sales pitch. And for hosting you get a discount on the fee you have to pay.
11. Pyramid scheme people love to ask if you need extra money. They post: “Everyone could use some extra cash, right?” and “Who needs an extra $300-$500 a month? It’s easy and the possibilities are endless.” And we fall for it ‘cause who doesn’t love endless possibilities. They’re my favorite type.
12. You ever notice how sometimes people try to sell or market a product but oddly enough the product hasn’t worked for them? I’m thinking if you’re so passionate about this thing it should have worked for you. But it didn’t.
13. They love asking the question “If money was no issue, what would you do with your life? Start a business? Move to an exotic destination? Travel the world?” It makes you start dreaming and that’s EXACTLY what they want you to do — dream. Because with their help and a recurring monthly fee, your dreams can come true.
In conclusion, pyramid schemes are probably the answer to all your problems. Just dive in. Don’t even think about it. Invest whatever’s required. This is your ticket to financial freedom. Build YOUR empire.