Maybe not a good idea
Awhile back the phone rang and the lady on the other end asked, “Is this Man?” My husband asked her to tell him again who she was looking for, but she said “Never mind, I have the wrong number” and hung up. He turned to me and said he has a cousin who is referred to by that name.
I shared with him about a movie I had seen in which the mom referred to her only son as her little man of the house. She had lost her husband after a wonderful three or four years in a loving marriage. His death took an emotional toll on her and their son, Timmy. They tried to keep the dad a part of the household and had developed the practice of referring to each other as Mr. and Mrs. Robbins.
The husband’s family had a very close relationship with the mother and their grandson. When visiting, the very first thing Grandma would say was “Oh, look at Timmy. He is looking more and more like his dad every day, don’t you all think?” And everyone would answer “Yes, he does.” Mom would reach out and hold his head and pull his hair back in the fashion that her husband wore his when alive.
I have always thought it not to be a good idea to let the child get the impression that he is the man of the house if the male figure is absent.
Some years ago, I lost friendship with a young lady who meant so much to me because I shared with her that I did not think referring to her young son as her little man was wise. I explained to her that I understood the need to do so, but she should try not to put that responsibility on him at any age. She could not see how that could bring harm to anyone. She said this is my son and no one will tell me how to refer to him, and she continued to do so.
Men may make that reference to sons with the desire to feel they will have someone to follow in their footsteps, but moms have different reasons. When living my husband referred to our son as his little man from the time he began walking, but I referred to him as my little baby — never my little man. To me, that is putting too much pressure on a developing child to be something to the mom that he is not, nor ever could be. The mom in the movie had the means to have an in-house sitter for Timmy. He would await her return on the stairway daily, and when she walked in he would say “Welcome home, Mrs. Robbins.” And she would say “How good it is to see you, Mr. Robbins.” Timmy would run down the stairs and they would embrace and begin their evening together.
The husband had been out of the picture for a while and there was an interested suitor who could not figure out what it was that stood in the way of their marriage. It was only after another interested man entered the scene that the picture came clear.
Steve and Carl, the suitors, were complete opposites in means and personalities. Timmy immediately fell for the personality of Steve because he knew how to communicate on a child’s level. Carl, on the other hand, was more formal and unbending.
One evening by happenstance the four of them ended up at her house together for dinner. Timmy behaved badly and Carl tried to correct him. Timmy lost it and kicked Carl on the leg and began crying. Carl tried to usher him to bed but Timmy had a temper tantrum and cried out “You are not my dad!” Carl attempted to carry him to his room, at which time Mom screamed out “Take your hands off my son.” Immediately, everyone realized there was a problem, including the son.
Mom sent Timmy to his room for behaving badly. Carl prepared to leave, but not before saying that she will have to make a decision if they get married: Is Timmy going to be her son or their son. He said good night to Steve and they both seemed to agree in spirit about what the problem was.
Steve does not pull any punches with the mom. He tells her that she has tried to hold on to Timmy’s dad through Timmy, which is unfair for everyone involved, especially the child. He said he’s even noticed her unconsciously trying to train Timmy’s hair to form on his head just as her husband had worn his.
After she almost lost the two suitors, Timmy said, “Mommy, you don’t have anyone. What are you going to do when I get married and leave home?” He was just 8 and was seeing further down the road than Mom. She realized that some serious detachment was going to have to take place and only she could do it.
There are certain situations when the relationship between a mother and son is distorted and this can cause destruction. Sons cannot fill that void by being referred to as Mommy’s little man. Just labeling him such does not make it so.