Wife feels inadequate next to her husband’s pornography

Dear Abby: My husband looks at pornography. I find it disgusting and it turns me off. I feel that if he has to look at it, it means I’m not good enough or sexy enough for him. I don’t believe his excuse of “It has nothing to do with you.” When I try to tell him how it makes me feel, he becomes indignant and turns the conversation around to something he doesn’t like about me to take the focus off himself.

He doesn’t watch porn around me, but he gets popup ads on his phone all the time, so I assume he looks at it frequently. I have even seen notifications suggesting he belongs to a website where he can chat with women, although he says he has no idea why he gets them. I’m not stupid. I don’t know anyone else with this kind of issue. I haven’t been able to have sex with him lately knowing this is going on. I don’t have plans to leave him over this, but what can I do?

— Turned Off In Washington

Dear Turned Off:

Realize that your husband’s appetite for porn really has nothing to do with your level of attractiveness, and EVERYthing to do with his own appetites. Next, and this is equally important, please seek a referral to a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to rebuild your damaged self-esteem. Your husband is far from the only man who enjoys X-rated entertainment. (So do some women.) And many couples view it together.

The chat rooms, however, are another matter. Perhaps your husband can explain that to you during some of the sessions with your therapist. It might be more effective than him becoming critical when you attempt to try to explain how his behavior affects you. Of this I am sure: Denying sex to your husband not only won’t improve your relationship, but it will erode it further, and I don’t recommend it.