How and when to give advice to adult children

Giving your son-in-law or daughter-in-law advice is sometimes completely appropriate and welcome. However, you must follow some ground rules, says Emily C. Klear, a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Klear says it begins with your son or daughter and your child’s spouse establishing a clear understanding about whether your child-in-law welcomes your advice.

“I often say blood manages blood — of course, recognizing that this isn’t completely the right phrase since many people are adopted — but you should each manage your own family,” she says. “And one of the early discussions in a marriage is about establishing a clear expectation of what kind of guidance you want from your parents.”

Klear notes that it is the daughter-in-law bearing the brunt of family communication, so she is often the recipient of unwanted advice.

A tip: Ask your adult child how comfortable he or she is with you giving advice to his or her wife or husband. Clear communication is key.

These topics will vary by family. Sometimes, parents are uniquely qualified to give advice; for example, they might have valuable knowledge they learned from firsthand experience or expertise on the job.

So, what if you really cannot bear to keep quiet about something, like your belief that children in restaurants should be eating and talking to you rather than staring at iPads? Don’t disguise a complaint or preference as well-meaning advice. Klear advises that you instead mention in advance to your child your preference that kids give up the screens when your families dine together.

Giving parenting advice is tricky business, but if you establish in advance that doing so is OK, Klear says it’s fine. This goes for almost all topics, she says.