San Antonio Express-News (Sunday)
Digesting politics with side of BBQ
Last week, a group of grackles known to alight up and down Broadway settled outside the Bill Miller Bar-B-Q just north of Hildebrand.
They spotted a half-eaten Rodeo Plate in the parking lot near the dumpster and decided to treat themselves.
“I crave these hash browns,” one said through a full beak while picking at the potatoes. “A little crispy, not too greasy. Dogooders with a cause — or lots of leftovers — contribute to the area strays. I’ve seen ’em, giving to the fat cats and big dogs.”
“Me, too,” another one said, picking up a bite of sausage. “I have no idea why anyone would feed fat cats. Especially that big orange one. He’s awful, the absolute worst. Now, dogs, on the other hand …”
“Oh, no,” said a shrill bird dining on an upturned cup of coleslaw. “Dogs are trouble. Don’t be fooled by that man’sbest-friend, populist message.”
“The givers aren’t all dogooders. Most of them feed whoever best serves their worldview, their needs and agendas!” a bird with a pickled onion around its neck said as he calmly took a nibble. “If they don’t like the dogs, they leave and give food to the cats. If they don’t like the cats, they leave food for the dogs. And some of those goody-goodies will give to anybody who supports their favorite. ”
“Whatever,” said a juvenile mesmerized by the amount of food scattered before him. “This is good, right? We all benefit from the do-gooders, no? ”
“Well,” the shrill bird said indignantly while splashing about in a nearby puddle of iced tea. “I know who gives to whom — I have a list. And I’m going to crow about it loudly so that everybody will see who is on Team Orange Cat.”
“You should,” said the evenkeeled bird with the onion collar. “Go for it. There is nothing wrong with that, considering it’s not hidden information and it is information birds should want anyway. And, let’s be honest, you really have to be a true proponent of either side to boycott these hash browns. The truth is, boycotts don’t generally last because most birds don’t care who gets what when they’re fat and happy themselves until they’re afraid they’re about to be dined upon.”
“Right,” said a grackle who dove in and snatched a mouthful of coleslaw from the shrill bird’s cup. “Giving to the orange fat cat doesn’t amount to full support of all things orange cat or cat behavior, or a hatred of dogs or dog behavior. Sometimes, the same person gives to both.”
“Everybody likes to ruffle the other side’s feathers to further their own cause,” the juvenile sighed sadly. “And once everyone is all worked up, we lose focus. Cats trick us, dogs trick us, other birds trick us … we all lose. Not just grackles, either. I feel completely disenfranchised and that is why I don’t want to even bother picking a side.”
“Ha,” the opportunist cawed. “Who cares. Good luck and good riddance. Hey, I know another parking lot nearby where the eating is quite good. Who is with me?”
They all flew southbound in a noisy group, landing near a Styrofoam container in a parking lot at the Pearl.