A little kindness makes things better

When times are tough, kindness is more important than ever. Kindness doesn’t require grand acts. It’s a good-natured way of being that shows up in the little things.

When my husband and I were told our daughter may be completely blind, our NICU nurse silently pulled a portable divider around the crib so we could mourn in private. When I had to give my 10-year-old cats up for adoption last week for family reasons, the woman we worked with at Spring Branch Pet Rescue never made me feel judged or worse than I already did.

I’m sure these women didn’t think they were doing anything special. But their simple kindness made me feel comforted and supported. In the middle of challenging circumstances, that gentleness and compassion subtly, but poignantly, made things better.

This moment seems to be calling for kindness. Kindness toward one another and toward ourselves. It may not fix our hard times, but it can soften them.

So, here are two ways to infuse more kindness into our days, socially isolated or not.

First, be as nice as possible to No. 1. Stop beating yourself up. “I should be doing better” runs through my mind with basically everything I do. It’s not helpful.

Here’s one way I address it: Whenever I notice what I call “shoulds and shames,” I ask myself “can I soften?” I’ve written about this before. It starts with relaxing physical tension, and it usually helps me to begin loosening harsh self-judgments, too.

Kindness is the opposite of judgmentalism. Any time that inner critic speaks up with assessments of yourself or others, there may be an opportunity to soften and choose kindness instead.

Begin regularly identifying things about yourself that you like. Try it now: Think of three to five things you love about yourself.

Second, try a loving-kindness practice. This can be done in minutes, either as a formal meditation, or while doing something else, like going to the bathroom or washing your hands.

The basic idea is to repeat a series of four kind-spirited phrases, first directed toward yourself, then to someone you love, then to a neutral person, someone who bothers you, a wider group of people, then to everyone.

Here’s how to do it: Begin by slowing down your breath and relaxing your body. Release the hot spots of tension: your scalp and forehead, jaw, shoulders, belly and pelvic floor. Perhaps close your eyes. Repeat these four phrases to yourself.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live with ease.

Release physical tightness again. Repeat the phrases again, this time directing them toward someone you love:

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live with ease.

Again, relax. Direct the phrases next to a neutral person. Continue on in this pattern, next directing your words toward someone who bothers you, then a wider group of people, then to everyone. End with a final deep breath.

These two practices feel good, and they make extending kindness even more natural.

There’s no escaping the challenges of our current circumstances, but kindness can help brighten even the darkest times. Let’s apply it liberally.

Westend61 / Getty Images/Westend61 Try a loving-kindness practice. This can be done in minutes, either as a formal meditation, or while doing something else, like going to the bathroom or washing your hands. A simple technique involves slow breathing, relaxing tense muscles and repeating affirmative messages to yourself and then others.