Newlywed chooses to keep her name DEAR ABBY

Dear Abby: I’m in my mid-30s and have just been married for the first time. I chose not to take my husband’s last name for several reasons. I have a child from a previous relationship who shares my name; I have a unique name that I love; and I am established in a career in which name recognition is important. I am also an older bride. Unfortunately, I didn’t discuss it with my husband before the wedding, although I did explain my reasoning later.

We participate in a lot of activities as a couple where our names are written out, and people often ask me why I have a different last name. My husband is really bothered by it and hates when people bring it up. I want to make him happy and make these situations less uncomfortable, but I refuse to change it. Am I being unreasonable? How do I approach these awkward situations? Should I take his name in social situations but just not legally?

Dear Loving: Many women these days have more than one identity and more than one name. If you are asked in a social situation why you didn’t adopt your husband’s name, an appropriate response would be that you are established in your career and felt changing it would be disruptive. However, I see nothing wrong with allowing yourself to be identified as “Janie Smith” on invitations, place cards, etc. if you’re OK with that. While most men these days would not be bothered by the fact that you have different names, it may make your husband feel better, and you might even come to like it.

Dear Abby: My wife of 15 years and I have been separated for 2 1/2 years. I’m still hoping to reconcile, and I haven’t moved on. Although I’m somewhat happy being in our home with my children, and recently our very first puppy, I often get lonely. How do I know, for my own good, if this is one of the doors that’s been permanently closed?

Dear Holding On: One clue would be what your wife has been doing since your separation. Because the children live with you, she has fewer childcare responsibilities. Is she dating? Deeply involved with her career? Does she ask you for advice, money, ANYthing? If the answer to this question is no, then it’s a safe bet that she is not interested in reconciling, and it’s time you move on with your life.