Brother’s family comes with baggage

My brother, who lives 1,000 miles away, is thinking of moving back to our hometown to be around family and “start over.” I love him. He’s not a bad person, but he was a terrible father. He is now a widower, and he suffers from depression. The problem is, some of his children and adult grandchildren plan to move with him. The “children” and their children are felons, ex-cons, drug addicts, alcoholics and thieves. My brother is none of those things.

I am willing to welcome him, but my husband and I want nothing to do with his kids or grandkids. I don’t trust them to be in my house. There’s no way we will welcome them into our family or do whatever it is they expect of us to start a new life. I don’t think it is our responsibility. How do I handle this?

Before your brother makes the move to your community, ASK him what his plans are regarding making a new start. While you’re at it, inquire about what his children and grandchildren intend to do after they arrive. Listen carefully to what your brother has to say, then tell him that, because of their criminal history, you and your husband cannot comfortably entertain them in your home.

My husband of 21 years was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer three years ago. Our children are now adults. We had a fabulous life, lots of laughter, lots of travel, lots of friends. Then everything came to a screeching halt, and the past seems a dream. I try to remain optimistic, but his doctors have given us more bad news. Today he is not in pain, and his naps have slowed down. I work full-time, but he had to retire.

With COVID, it’s hard to go anywhere with him. How do I stop feeling guilty if after work I want to go to a friend’s house for an hour or two, or to dinner at an outdoor restaurant? Or a drive to clear my head?

I know I’ll soon be wishing I could sit on the couch and watch TV with him again, but lately, I just need to carve out a small slice of time for me.

Dear Guilty: Do not beat yourself up for being human. When a beloved spouse is terminally ill, it is extremely stressful for both the patient and the caregiver. This is why it is important for your own health to allow time for yourself.