Retrain your self-talk to be your own friend

The ways we beat ourselves up can be subtle.

Maybe it’s a reflexive “what’s wrong with me?” when you can’t figure something out. Or a shameridden reminder when you’re down that, “I shouldn’t be in a rut; I have a good life” — as if only glee is allowed in the absence of an acute trauma.

You might taunt yourself that everyone else has life more figured out than you, or be inclined to dwell on imperfect qualities or interactions or get harsh and self-judgmental on social media.

There are tons of ways we inflict little jabs of self-harm, and even though they may seem minor on the surface, they add up. Many of us habitually interact with ourselves in ways we would never treat others, embedding an invisible but everpresent inner friction that affects everything we touch.

Acting like our own enemies has become the default setting for a lot of us, and it shows up as dampened joy, strained relationships, depleted health and vitality, diminished potential — it’s a total buzz kill.

While supporting one another is beautiful and necessary, I wonder how much could change if we all focused a little more sweetly and intently within, as well.

Which brings me to this question: How could you be more of your own friend today?

I realize that sounds cheesy. But really, this is worth a ponder.

One of the most basic roles of a friend is to listen without judgment. Likewise, being ones’ own friend involves paying attention — honoring what’s really happening within — no judging, no squashing what’s present because it’s scary or unwanted.

I think about how I try to show up for loved ones in a rough moment. I don’t criticize them or rebuff their feelings. I try to stay open and attentive. Au contraire when I’m the one who makes a mistake or stumbles into a dark place. I basically tell myself to get over it and become frustrated when I struggle to carry on without skipping a beat.

In one word, a quality friend accepts us as we are. Honesty and constructive feedback are rooted in acceptance. What a beautiful thing we could more

devotedly offer ourselves.

There’s room for lots of personalization in how we could direct more warmth within.

You might mentally call yourself “darling” or something else with a sweet ring. You could give yourself more rest, or compliments or fun. It’s up to each of us to decide what feels more caring than contrived, but anything that involves a bit of conscious kindness will do.

I used to think being hard on myself or scaring myself into changing was the only way to succeed, but I now see how everything is in vain if the journey is a trudge.

So, how could you befriend yourself, my friend? Not because you’re a self-absorbed egomaniac. Simply because it’s enjoyable and rewarding to be softer and more kind. It’s just a better place to be.

And if we’re all in a better place, who knows, maybe the world will be, too.

Getty Images How could you be a better friend to yourself today?