Finding opportunity in moments of envy

Envy doesn’t have the ring of a useful or beneficial emotion. It doesn’t feel good, either. It’s laden with shame and overlies inferiority but actually can have a lot to offer.

For one, envy offers a semblance of direction. It hints at what we deeply desire and, upon inspection, can reveal where we’re ready for more — where we yearn to grow and expand.

Envy also gives us an opportunity to practice a particular skill that can go a long way toward increasing good vibes and joy.

Let me paint a picture.

Last year, I took a hiatus from social media. I wrote about it at the time, but — long story short — I wasn’t in a good place. Then I started doom scrolling. Not good.

But I could at least step back enough to recognize that in the kind of state I was in, Facebook, Instagram, etc., would only make things worse. So I took a break. And now I’m back.

I liked being offline, but what can I say? Facebook marketplace is too good to pass up after moving to a new house. And I like to see what people are up to. Sometimes. Sort of.

In any event, I can feel the same trap emerging again. There’s actually one person in particular whose posts always give me a pang. Before, I wasn’t in a position to dig into that. Now I am, and it’s clear that pang is envy.

This woman is glamorous and successful and positively radiant. Sure, social media exaggerates these things, but I’m still convinced that she’s super cool.

While I have been reflecting on the deeper meaning of this (i.e., what it indicates about my desires), I’ve also been trying to figure out how to handle this persistent discomfort when I come across her stuff.

Of course, it’s been suggested that I stop following her. That would make sense in a lot of ways. But as I’ve internally investigated this, I’ve been drawn in a different direction, toward what the Buddhists call “sympathetic joy.”

This is a concept that doesn’t necessarily come naturally for us competitive Americans, but it has promise.

In a nutshell, I’ve now been making it a point to pause every time I see this woman’s posts and visualize her continued success and joy. I wish her well, but not just with a superficial passing thought. I take a beat to intentionally envision her wildest dreams (or, what I can imagine them to be), best-case scenarios coming to pass.

Don’t get me wrong — this can be highly uncomfortable and completely forced. Beyond.

But the more that I play with this, the more fluid and natural it’s becoming. I’m now even doing it toward others — folks I didn’t even realize I had been discreetly comparing myself to. These days, whenever I feel a twinge of envy or competition, I reorient to see great things for that person. It’s interesting how much better this feels.

For sure, it takes a second to remember to go this route, and it takes time for it to become genuine, but it honestly starts to feel really good. It’s sort of shocking.

I’ve heard some people make this into a formal meditative practice. They sit in silence for a few minutes daily to visualize greatness for their biggest sources of envy. Even still, it can take a while for the process to stop being contrived and for anything to shift. Sticking with it is the key.

I invite you to try this. Whether you go the more formal route or do what I do and simply pause when provoked, this can be a pathway toward more positivity and overall joy. It has the potential to lift us up, so we feel brighter and are more primed and positioned for success and strides of our own.

That’s what they say, anyway. I’m willing to go for it.

Envy could be our most unlikely, very good friend.

Getty Images When envy creeps in, practice “sympathetic joy,” which can go a long way toward increasing good vibes.

MARCI SHARIF Feeling Matters