Mom can’t stop giving advice to adult daughter

Dear Carolyn: I am afraid I may be a controlling mom of my young adult daughter, but we have a dynamic in which she seeks me out often, solicits my advice, and makes me too important in her life. I admit to offering that advice because it is hard for me to draw a line between healthy support and presence, and wanting her to see and do things how I wish she would. I.e., controlling.

She calls me more than once every day. She asks to come over for visits a couple of times a week. She is newly graduated from college and moving into the world of work, so some of this is the natural transition from child to adult, and my learning to move away from the parenting role.

Her father and I divorced when she was in grade school, and she may fear abandonment even by me, which makes her cling harder. She has started therapy recently. But if you have some guidelines for me to follow, I would appreciate it. How’s this: Stop telling her what to do!

Yes, I understand it’s not that easy, or you’d already have done it. But the difficulty isn’t in finding this path — it’s in making yourself walk it.

That’s always easier, though, when the path is clearly marked and well-lit and you know exactly where it leads.

What also might make this easier is to understand other ways to support her. Presence alone is significant, arguably the most of all: Welcome the calls and visits knowing they’ll taper off as her strengths overtake her needs.

Listening takes a back seat to presence but surely is the most underrated form of support. Your daughter’s in flux, leaving the structure and certainty of school for the wilds of managing her own goals, money, purpose, time. It’s staggering. No doubt she has a lot to talk through ... and how will she if you’re talking?