Husband’s twin sister starts acting like a third parent

Dear Carolyn: I’m expecting our first child. Since we announced my pregnancy, my husband’s twin sister has treated all baby decisions as joint decisions between her, my husband, and me.

For the 20-week appointment, we invited our mothers to see the ultrasound. Sister came along as well. When I was making my next appointment, she wrote it down as if she planned to attend.

At first, I just said neutral things like, “Thanks for the tip/article, we will consider it.” But now she contacts me daily about the baby and made it clear she expects to be in the delivery room. Her intentions are very good and we don’t want to hurt her feelings, but my husband and I both feel a little smothered. How can we address this?

There’s never a bad time to set a good boundary, but sooner is always better.

Coming along on the appointment uninvited, for example — that was a time for your husband) to talk to his sister. “Sis, you’ll be such a great auntie. But I’m not comfortable opening up our decisions to family review like this.”

You might accomplish more with Small Talk(s) versus a Big one. Meaning, one of you responds in the moment to one of the big boundary crossings — “Thanks, but this decision is between us” — then you wait to see if your message gets: (a) ignored; (b) received, but applied in this one instance; (c) received and applied widely.

If you get (a) or (b), then set a boundary at the next opportunity and see where it goes. If she gets upset, then it’s time for the full-clarification, welove-you-as-a-sib-and-auntie, Big Talk: No third parents, please.

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