Boyfriend does not respect his girlfriend’s limits

Dear Carolyn: My sister Jane has been seeing Jack barely three months. They live in different states and Jack regularly visits Jane on the weekends. During this time Jack has exhibited some low-level controlling behaviors — getting upset when Jane goes three hours without answering a text, when Jane has a drink with friends, when Jane fails to FaceTime him morning and night, etc. Additionally, Jack has been trying to convince Jane to move to his state.

When Jane expresses that this is too much too fast, Jack replies she will like it once she gets there.

Recently, Jane clearly expressed to Jack that she was feeling rushed in the relationship and asked him for a three-day break. Jack could not do this and continued to text Jane repeatedly. When Jane did not respond, Jack called Jane’s roommate. Jane told Jack this was a concerning boundary violation.

Jane phoned Jack and told him that this was not the type of relationship she wanted and that the relationship was over. Jack informed Jane via text that he was coming to her city anyway.

Jane has asked for my advice along the way. At first, I saw some red flags but wasn’t too worried. Now, I am somewhat concerned about Jane’s safety. Am I overreacting?

Yikes. I’d suggest strongly that Jane not be home for Jack’s visit.

If/when Jack gets in touch with Jane to rage about her absence, Jane needs to respond clearly in writing, once, that: She said clearly she did not want to see him; she is not interested in a relationship; and he is not to contact her anymore. Then she needs to make sure she doesn’t respond to him again.

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