Ansari talks about that ‘bad date,’ and it’s a step forward
Ever wonder what Aziz Ansari thinks about last year’s national (international?) debate over his supremely bad date, launched by a Babe.net article headlined, “I went on a date with Aziz Ansari. It turned into the worst night of my life”?
He’ll tell you. In the first five minutes of his new Netflix special, “Right Now.”
It’s an instructive, gracious response. And for those of us watching and discussing the #MeToo movement with knots in our stomach — relieved women and men are finding the strength and the platforms to tell their stories of surviving sexual assault or harassment; distressed, in some cases, buoyed, in others, by how those stories are being received; conflicted about where we go from here — it’s a response worth tuning into.
Backing up a moment: The night described in the Babe article was hotly debated from the moment the words hit the Internet in January 2018. Some argued the incident was nothing more than a lousy date, with a guy failing to read a woman’s too-subtle cues about how far she wanted to go, physically. Some argued it had no place in the #MeToo movement. Others argued it was assault.
“Grace,” the name given to the anonymous accuser, 22 at the time, described returning to Ansari’s apartment after dinner and being caught off guard by how quickly and how aggressively Ansari turned physical.
“Throughout the course of her short time in the apartment,
she says she used verbal and nonverbal cues to indicate how uncomfortable and distressed she was,” Babe reported. “‘Most of my discomfort was expressed in me pulling away and mumbling. I know that my hand stopped moving at some points,’ she said. ‘I stopped moving my lips and turned cold.’ ”
They moved to different spots in his apartment, Grace said, Ansari, all the while trying various lines and moves to get her undressed.
After the Babe article was published, I wrote that we ought to get comfortable hanging out in a gray area for a while — the area between “lousy date” and “sexual assault.” Especially if we’re going to have the sorts of conversations that move us forward.
What would those conversations look like?
Acknowledging that we’re still socializing boys and girls with gender expectations and stereotypes that are decades old, even though dates look nothing like they used to.
Talking up enthusiastic consent, when both parties are equally eager and no one’s wearing anyone down or being worn down. Empowering our daughters and sons, both, to say a clear, unmistakable, “Yes” as well as a clear, unmistakable “No.” Helping our daughters and our sons listen for both.
Advocating for universal, comprehensive sex education in schools.
Working, that is, toward a world in which a lot fewer dates like the one Grace describes happen.
Ansari’s “Right Now” bit has me feeling hopeful.
The whole special is an enlightening, often pretty hilarious look at (and skewering of ) our woke culture, especially white people’s late, but self-congratulatory, arrival to wokeness. Ansari talks cultural appropriation, shifting norms, R. Kelly, Michael Jackson, selective outrage and more. It’s good stuff.
He addresses the Babe article in the first five minutes.
“I’m sure there are some of you who are curious how I feel about that whole situation,” he says to the audience, “and it’s a tricky thing for me to answer. There’s times I’ve felt scared. There’s times I’ve felt humiliated. There’s times I’ve felt embarrassed.
“Ultimately,” he continues, “I just felt terrible that this person felt this way. And after a year or so, I just hope it was a step forward. It moved things forward for me. Made me think about a lot. I hope I’ve become a better person.”
He had a conversation with a friend, he says, that he returns to often in his mind.
“He was like, ‘You know what, man? That whole thing made me think about every date I’ve ever been on,’ ” Ansari says, his voice dropping to almost a whisper. “And I thought, Wow. That’s pretty incredible. If this made not just me, but other people be more thoughtful? Then that’s a good thing. And that’s how I feel about it.”
Is it a perfect response? I don’t know. Who am I to say? It acknowledges growth, and credits Grace’s words with inspiring it. It promises change, and frames change as a good thing. It avoids defensiveness and opts, instead, for reflection.
Taken all together? I think that does move us forward.