Mom feels left out of wedding plans and preparations

Dear Miss Manners: I am the heartbroken mother of my only son (and youngest child), who is to be married soon. Due to COVID-19, he and his fiancee are having a backyard wedding.

Her father is unable to pay for his daughter’s wedding. He can only afford to pay for the DJ, photo booth and liquor, so my son has taken on the bulk of the responsibility. My husband and I are trying to help out: We gave them a lovely Hawaiian honeymoon, and bought his fiancee’s engagement ring. We are paying for the tents, tables, lighting, dance floor package, etc., and will pay for tux rentals, boutonnieres, bouquets and a few other things on the list.

My son claims that this is their wedding, and all we need to do is show up. He didn’t even speak to me about the song for our mother/son dance. I was looking forward to making some candle centerpieces, and my future daughterin-law seemed to be on the same page with me. Suddenly, I was told they had decided to streamline the wedding, and didn’t need the candles. I am very hurt.

Am I being selfish? Do I have a right to be selfish, or am I wrong?

Gentle Reader: While you should expect your son and his fiancee to be grateful for your financial generosity, Miss Manners does not see the connection between that and your question.

Your financial generosity is lovely. It is always thoughtful of a son to seek his mother’s advice. The two are not related: You would, rightly, be highly offended if he quoted you a price for choosing the song for your dance.

Please suppress the idea that you have somehow been cheated, and tell your son that it would mean a lot to you if you could do something.