Beau makes snide comments about wealth, education

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Sept. 6, 2006.

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend of two years makes snide comments insinuating that I’m spoiled and “privileged.” I live at home while finishing my undergraduate degree. Most of my tuition is paid for through scholarships. Both of my parents have higher-paying careers than his parents, but I don’t consider us wealthy, and we live a frugal lifestyle in comparison to my parents’ colleagues.

He claims we look down on him for not having a college degree (neither does my sibling) and I’m getting tired of feeling defensive on behalf of my family. Should I start looking for someone with a more compatible background?

A.

Only if you want to miss the point.

He isn’t criticizing you because your backgrounds are different. He is criticizing you because he feels threatened by your differences — because they (in his view): make you better, might drive you apart, invalidate him in others’ eyes, make him question his choices, all of these, none of these, whatever. This is an angry and insecure man.

I suppose you could look for someone with whom you’re in pristine agreement, but good luck. You’ll do better finding someone who isn’t angry at the world and who doesn’t expect you to apologize for your station in life. Your chances get even better if you actually are comfortable with it. “We live a frugal lifestyle in comparison to my parents’ colleagues”? Heh? Just because someone asks you to justify yourself or your family, that doesn’t mean you have to do it. Try telling this guy, No, I won’t downplay myself to please you.