Reader is ready to end marriage over spouse’s drinking

Dear Carolyn: I just told my husband I want a divorce. When he drinks, his personality changes — mostly he’s just annoying, but a few times a year he’s extraordinarily cruel. (Never violent.) The last time it happened, I told him there were no more second chances.

He’s trying to be on his best behavior, but he’s still drinking and I know it’s only a matter of time before it happens again. It’s been like this for 15 years.

Last night he kept pestering me playfully when I was trying to sleep and I just decided I was done.

I’m shattered. When he’s not drinking, he’s my best friend. None of our friends are going to understand. How do I get through this?

What Have I Done?

I’m so sorry.

Don’t look further into the future than you’re ready to, especially if you’re struggling just to stay upright in this moment. Work on getting to the next moment, then the next, then the next, until you feel able to manage more than that.

Please get some help, too. Al-anon has the lowest barrier to entry, since it’s free and available just about everywhere, including online (al-anon.org/ al-anon-meetings) — so you can try a meeting while you also look around for a good therapist with experience dealing with substance abuse issues. Maybe you’ll find that the group support is enough for you, too.

I realize your friends’ surprise will feel like a tacit obligation to explain yourself, but allow me to say out loud, you don’t need to explain. Not until you’re ready and not to anyone you don’t want to know.

Again, I’m sorry. I hope he gets the help he needs.