Family tradition dictates jewelry must not be sold

Dear Miss Manners: Over a century ago, when my grandmother had a heart attack, she collected her children and their spouses together and distributed her valuables, as she did not want to be bothered with writing a will.

When she gave her jewelry to her daughters, she said that she would like to see them wear it while she was still alive. When she gave pieces to her sons, on the other hand, she said that the pieces were for their children — no mention of seeing their wives wearing any of it.

Throughout the years, my mother and her siblings have debated if her intention was to snub her daughters-in-law or to convey the message that these pieces were to stay in the family. They (and us, the grandchildren) have decided to be charitable and assume she just wanted to make sure the pieces stayed in the family. To that point, if a family member needed to sell one of these pieces, it was offered first to the family.

Now I am a mother of two sons, and a grandmother to several boys and girls. I own several of these pieces of jewelry.

What is the most diplomatic way to give these to my daughters-in-law to enjoy in my lifetime and at the same time ensure they stay in the family? My sons are aware of the tradition, but one of my DILS has made it clear she believes my grandmother’s intention was to snub her daughters-inlaw and that she will do with them as she pleases.

Gentle Reader: Your daughter-in-law has made your decision easy. You want the jewelry to stay in the family, but you cannot really enforce that once it leaves your possession. So do not give any to the defiant daughter-in-law. If she objects, you can explain that it is important to you to honor your grandmother’s desire.