Rebuilding after being isolated by an abusive partner

Dear Carolyn: I am getting divorced — my husband walked out to move in with his girlfriend. I was totally blindsided. During the early stages of our relationship, he asked that I cut off communication with almost all my friends from high school and college. I regret that I complied, and also never set up Facebook — again, at his insistence. Now I want to get back in touch with people but I was the one who cut them off. Trying to explain sounds like I’m a bitter divorcing woman. Any ideas?

1. I am so sorry.

2. Please look into therapy. I understand it can be expensive, tough to schedule or both, but you’re describing years of serious and damaging emotional manipulation, and a trained guide can help you.

3. Pick your closest and/or most open-minded ex friends, and send them this: “I am so sorry I cut off contact. I was in an abusive relationship and I am only beginning to understand how isolated I became.” It was abusive and you were isolated, I hope you can see that now. Asking you to cut ties to all your loved ones is what abusers do.

4. Please also see the deeply internalized sexism in your fear of sounding like “bitter divorcing woman.” You are a real and whole person with real and whole feelings, and expressing them does not make you a stereotype.

Your friends may not be receptive to your return, that’s a risk you take — but that won’t mean your attempts will have been a mistake. You have work to do on many fronts right now to build a healthy life for yourself. Counseling is an important part of that, but so is reaching out to old friends, and putting things on your schedule to help you connect.