Friends insisting reader feel sad over sibling’s death

Dear Miss Manners: My older sister was a deeply troubled person with a violent temper. When I was too little to fight back, she bullied and abused me mercilessly. As I grew up, I came to understand that she had mental health issues of some sort, and I felt sorry for her.

I tried many times to encourage her to seek help for her own sake, but I also saw that I had to protect myself and my loved ones. When I found out, through necessary legal paperwork, that she had passed away, the only thing I could feel was a sense of relief. I would not have to deal with the fallout from her outrageous, ugly behavior again, and hopefully she is at peace.

I had a visitor on the day the court paperwork arrived, and, curious about what I could possibly be receiving from an out-of-town attorney, I excused myself for a moment and opened it. Through this visitor, my other friends learned that my sister had passed away.

My attitude has been neutral when I’ve seen these friends: I’ve explained that my sister and I were not close, that I was fine, and changed the subject. The amateur psychologist of the group has decided that I am not OK, that I am being tortured by complicated grief and that she must draw the pain out of my subconscious so that I can heal. How does one tell a truly caring and well-meaning friend to butt out?

Gentle Reader: Trying to convince your amateur friend that you feel no pain will not discourage her, so it is time to make her the sole custodian of a secret: “Thank you for your concern. I took your advice to heart and am speaking to someone about it.”

Please send questions for Miss Manners to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com