Friend refers to daughter’s partner as her ‘roommate’

Dear Carolyn: My best friend and I talk almost every day. Her adult daughter, to whom I am close, recently came to a memorial service we were all attending and brought her partner, with whom she has been living for three years. Upon their arrival I gave them both a hug.

Her mom then proceeded to question me as to why I hugged her daughter’s “roommate.” She must be totally unaware of her daughter’s romantic relationship with her partner. It has come up more than once since, and since it is not my right to share this information, I have changed the subject or made excuses (“It was a sad occasion,” “I was feeling close to both of them”). What now? How do I not tell her? She won’t let it go.

California

The struggle you describe is a great example of why pressure tactics work — and why they’re so awful in a relationship: You’re so busy squirming about what you’re going to say and how not to say something wrong that you’re unwittingly missing the point.

I suspect you will start feeling better about all of this as soon as you take your control back.

But now that she won’t drop it, it’s time for you to put the responsibility back on her for her own actions. Calmly and kindly as always: “Why do you keep asking me this?”

The best part of phrasing it that way, besides its directness in naming the problem, is that it’s also a rhetorical question unless she’s ready to answer you for real — as in, say the thing out loud she wants to know so badly. If she just blah-blah-blahs you, then you can be more direct.