It isn’t important who organizes a memorial service

Dear Miss Manners: My brother, who spent his life helping others, died suddenly two years ago. It was in the middle of the pandemic, and a memorial service was impossible. Now, my other siblings and I have asked my sister-in-law whether we could plan a small family memorial service for him. I offered to do the planning and organizing. My siblings have offered, as well. We always get an ambivalent response, and nothing happens.

All of our extended family have always had a very good relationship with my sister-in-law and cared about her very much. And we have tried to maintain that since my brother’s death. But I cannot bear the thought that such a good and honorable man, who did so much for so many, could be allowed to pass without anybody even pausing for a few minutes to honor him.

I am considering just proceeding without her to organize a graveside memorial service for our family and my brother’s closest friends, and simply telling her when we’re holding it. But it will seem odd to my brother’s friends that his widow is not the organizer. And I would expect that my doing so would be the end of our family’s relationship with her and her grandson, whom my brother adored.

Gentle Reader: Funeral arrangements are not a time to be overly literal-minded about who did what. You are the sibling of the deceased, which gives you sufficient standing to plan a memorial.

Assuming the widow’s reluctance is passive, and not actual opposition, you may be able to do the work, consulting her enough to avoid offense. Your description of your brother convinces Miss Manners it would be the right way to honor his memory.