Husband is ‘less than enthused’ to move for great job

Dear Carolyn: I got my dream job and now get to move to the D.C. area. My husband is less than enthused about the move, considering his family lives in our town now, we have a nice house with a big yard and we have friends whom we will miss. We have lived here for over 10 years.

He has said he will support me, but during arguments about mundane things, he routinely mentions he might stay and let me move alone. I am trying to get him excited, but it is hard. Are there any ways I can help him see the positives?

Not if you push past his doubts and fears to get there, no. They need full airing. See what he’s worried about, see what scares him, see whether there’s room to address these things openly.

When you have this conversation, you’re also really getting at the idea of, “He has said he will support me.” If he’s going along under duress and harboring a certainty there’s nothing in this for him, then that’s not really “support.”

I’m not saying he has to love the idea — people who share their lives with others almost always come up against this at some point, where one location doesn’t equally serve the interests of all stakeholders. Sometimes moving for one involves a sacrifice by another. But the thing that makes it work is the commitment to the family unit. That’s what makes up for the losses.

If he’s not fully bought in, then that’s what you two need to talk about. Including, if it comes to that, the flip side of his choice: whether you choose him without the job or the job without him.

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