Spouse’s ‘teasing’ about memory is crossing the line

Dear Carolyn: My husband has lately been telling me often, “That’s the fourth (or so) time you have asked me that.” It’s quite often, and I told him he is not aware of the side effects of the medications I take for chronic pain. Two list memory problems as side effects. He is the same way with his mother and anyone else who might repeat a story.

If I confront him, he will say he’s just teasing. He is wonderful in so many other ways. I just would like some advice on how to stop this behavior.

Still With-it Wife

You do realize you’re not the only one repeating yourself, yes? He responds to your repetitions with one of his own. The two of you are coming at this problem from different directions for different reasons, but you’re getting to the same place: a dispiriting rut. And each of you has arrived there with the same expectation that the other one is responsible for fixing it.

I hope you’ll both see that, drop the expectations and show up with sympathy instead. You’re in pain and struggling with memory-related side effects; that’s not easy. He’s being asked or told things over and over and over — not just from a spouse on heavy meds, but from a mom losing ground to time; that’s not easy, either. And when he chooses to say something instead of just sitting through the nth retelling as if it’s new, then he’s the bad guy.

It sounds as if it would help each of you to spend some time imagining what the other’s predicament feels like. Right now, you’re both focused on your own experiences, and that contributes to the kind of empathy-deficit loop you’re in.