Daughter’s messy home makes hotel look inviting

Dear Carolyn: My daughter and her husband have a large home and when we visit we stay with them at their request.

My issue is their housekeeping. Between the dogs, sinks overflowing with dirty dishes, and rotting food in the fridge, I have no place to go to de-stress. Even our bedroom is full of stuff. There is literally no uncluttered surface in their home. I believe there is some hoarding going on.

There is a nice hotel very nearby, so I could have my own space when I need it. But how to address this without hurting anyone’s feelings? I love my daughter and her family but I am an anxious basket case by the time I leave, and am already stressing about our next visit. We visit twice a year and stay no more than four nights.

Anxious Answer: Any situation like this, no matter what the details, presents you with two choices: put up with the discomfort, knowing it’s only for X days; or make the change you want to make as kindly as you can, and hold cheerfully firm through any fallout.

For you, the second choice might look like this:

1. As the next visit approaches, tell your daughter you booked a hotel.

2. Give a not-untrue, mildly selfdeprecating, but also not-entirelydetailed reason for booking a hotel: “I really need my sleep these days, and this just works better for me.” Reframe her low-maintenance habits as your high-maintenance needs. Right? No need to specify that her chaos is why you can’t sleep.

3. If she pushes back or declares she’s hurt, keep it light and keep on message: “I don’t mean to offend, and I can’t wait to see you — I just need this to get my eight.”

Dear Carolyn: Several months ago, a person who heads an organization to which I belong was carjacked and severely beaten. She let all of us know what had happened and then asked for us to respect her privacy because the whole family was traumatized and needed time together.

I sent a reply email wishing her a speedy recovery both physically and emotionally. Most of us signed a getwell-soon card at the next meeting. I heard more bits and pieces about the incident as time went by.

This person is more than an associate, but also not a dear friend, as she is with some others.

When she returned to the organization, I noticed she embraced most of these closer friends, but barely spoke to me. Finally I asked how she was doing and the reply shocked me: “Well, you apparently didn’t care enough to call or keep in contact as they did, so I’m more than a little bit hurt.” My reply was that she specifically asked that her privacy be respected, and her response was, “Well, true friends would know better than to take that statement at face value.”

Was I wrong to do so, or do I have a right to feel hurt and perhaps betrayed? I’m considering just cutting back on my time with the organization, as I feel uncomfortable with her as chair.

Mixed Message Answer: You were not wrong to take her message at face value. Her position is not defensible.

It may, however, be understandable. Traumatized people do sometimes aim their distress at other, easier, sometimes entirely unrelated targets. You could be merely convenient. She also could be unaware of that, and preoccupied by her own feelings.

If you can find it in you, then apologize for the part of this you can honestly regret without torching your integrity: “I’m sorry I misread your message to us. I do care, but I guess I was too literal.” Then give the issue some room and time to dissipate.

Dear Carolyn: A few days ago I found a wallet in a fast-food restaurant. I opened the wallet quickly and saw at least three $100 bills as well as credit cards, etc. I considered trying to locate the owner myself, but figured that person might come back, so I turned it in to the cashier.

I called the restaurant to see if someone had claimed the wallet — I spoke to the manager and he said no one had said anything to him about this, and they usually would have. I’m upset! What should I have done? I thought I was acting responsibly but maybe not.

Sad in Dallas Answer: Even if someone on the staff did take the money, that’s their fault, not yours. You acted responsibly.

We could argue, for the sake of the owners of future lost wallets, that you gave humanity a bit more credit than it was due — and so maybe next time, if you have the time, do track down the owner yourself.

Email Carolyn at tellmewashpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 9 a.m. Pacific time each Friday at www.washingtonpost. com.

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