Pandemic prompts prolific production

Since the pandemic has caused my gym to shutter, I’ve been getting in my exercise by taking walks. It used to be the treadmill and the stairclimber, but now it’s just a masked stroll around the neighborhood as passersby attempt to avoid me like they were dodging nuclear fallout.

And while I’m at home sheltering in place, I’ve found a new activity: creating the world’s-greatest chocolate chip cookie. My secret? Imported Belgian chocolate. And by using an array of unique ingredients, I’ve added six varieties of cookies to my repertoire.

My wife says I’ve also added two inches to my girth.

So she confiscated my chocolate.

She said she’d return it if I promised to walk an additional distance sufficient to counterbalance the cookies I tend to devour.

So I sat down in front of my computer to calculate exactly how much farther I’d have to walk in order to compensate for the calories. I meticulously weighed every ingredient in a single cookie, computed the number of calories, multiplied it by my daily cookie consumption, until finally, I was able to calculate I could offset the total caloric intake by walking to Canada.

It was clear I needed a new pursuit. My wife is a big fan of Eastern traditions, especially the customs that benefit mind and body. She urged me to consider learning an activity popular in the Asian cultures. So I’ve been practicing origami.

My wife said she had something like tai chi or yoga in mind, but, miraculously, after only a few weeks of folding paper, I’ve shed six pounds.

That’s something I could never achieve on the stair-climber.

I credit my success to my newfound devotion to Eastern philosophies, a commitment that allows me to avoid tension and stress, key factors, I’m certain, responsible for my weight loss.

My wife leans less toward the tension and stress part and more to the butter and chocolate.

I purchased a book called “Dollar Origami,” which offers detailed instructions on how to fold dollar bills into various animal shapes. With solid determination, I was able to fashion a menagerie of wildlife, including elephants, peacocks, frogs, and more, each formed from a single dollar bill.

They’re elaborate creations well beyond simple craft, and closer, I suggest, to art.

I sent a photo of my best works to my friend in Florida, a highly respected appraiser and lecturer who evaluates and authenticates fine art, historic documents, and rare books. I asked him if he’d be willing to give me an idea of the value of my origami creations.

So I sent him a picture of 12 intricately folded dollar bills, and several days later, he was kind enough to send me a formal appraisal valuing my art at “somewhere in the neighborhood of $12.”

That was a start, but I told my wife I won’t be satisfied until my appraiser friend finds far greater value in my creations.

She suggested I try folding $10 bills.