THE BEST GIFT TO GIVE THIS SEASON? TIME FOR SELF-CARE

There are numerous books and articles devoted to helping folks get through the holidays with less difficulty.

And those stress-relieving, commonsense prescriptions are still valuable: Take time for yourself. Exercise. Learn to meditate. Reach out to friends and family.

But this year is different.

The challenges of cooking for a large group, choosing gifts while staying within a budget and accommodating rude relatives seem minor when compared to the impact of the 2020 pandemic.

First, the good news.

With most of our outings limited to grocery shopping, holiday meal preparation can become a creative art form. Intimate gatherings are a necessity, which can mean less time cleaning up. And there’s a valid reason to not invite a pushy relative with opposing political views to carve the Thanksgiving turkey.

That said, COVID-19 restrictions require navigating a new normal.

For many, joblessness, forced isolation, illness and the loss of a family member can further strain this year’s holiday traditions.

San Diego psychologist Dr. Ain Roost has offices in La Jolla and North County, but he has been counseling his patients virtually for nearly eight months.

“I am seeing more depression, anxiety and stress,” he says.

“We are living in very unusual times, unprecedented in anyone’s lifetime. We don’t know how long COVID-19 will go on, and that is a very difficult thing for people to process.”

Different responses

Everyone deals with stress differently. A person’s background, social support, financial situation, age, health and community affect one’s response to stress and disease.

Roost says that some people are starving for interaction, while those who are introverted feel less pressure.

Regardless of whether one is outgoing or a loner, listening to music can be a quick fix for overwhelming emotions.

“The access we have to music now is amazing, so find some music that helps you to feel better,” Roost suggests.

“If you are feeling stress, choose music that will help you calm down, or if you are feeling depressed, listen to something that will help lift you up.”

Health officials report that more than 1,000 people have died from the coronavirus in San Diego County.

The loss of a loved one can severely alter the holidays.

“If someone very close to you has died during this hard time, grief makes things that are already difficult even more difficult,” Roost says.

“At the same time, I think it’s important for people to honor the grieving process. It’s not the same thing as depression in the sense that grieving is a normal, essential process in the face of loss. It’s important to acknowledge that and to allow yourself to feel it and talk about it. It comes in waves, and if the loss was someone significant in your life, it can be totally overwhelming. Over time, the waves are less intense and less frequent and don’t last as long. But it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you if you are still grieving, sometimes even years later. Even though your life will move on, you will always miss that person.”

‘Accept that it’s reality’

Real-life perspectives addressing stress management can be found in Kevan Breitinger’s recently published “40 Days in the Hole: Self-care in the Time of the Corona Pandemic.”

An author and mosaic artist, Breitinger lives with her husband, Paul, who was diagnosed with cancer last year.

The inspiration for the book came from a response to Breitinger’s Facebook post inviting people from all walks of life to describe how they managed the impact of the quarantine.

Their stories illustrate how the simple act of slowing down can diminish stress. A nursing student with three children, for example, states that she caught the virus and noted that, under quarantine, she had to face her guilt over being incapacitated. She also had to own up to her addiction to the “bouncing ball” of demands in her head. What’s more, her bored children “had no idea how to not be actively entertained.” Ultimately, she discovered that the continuous dialogue in her head was unproductive and that “boredom is a gift.”

Technology has made us more connected than ever before, with many self-help options available online. But perhaps the most helpful response to the challenges of the new coronavirus is to consider ancient recommendations.

“Buddhist wisdom tells us that the main causes of suffering are resisting, or pushing away reality, and grasping for what we want instead,” Roost says.

“It doesn’t mean that we have to agree with our current reality or like it. We just need to accept that it’s reality. And then we’re free to take constructive action to make the best of it.”

One of the ways Roost manages his own stress is to read poetry daily. He is particularly moved by the reflections of the Pulitzer Prize winner Mary Oliver, the Persian mystic Hafiz and the poet Rumi, who offers timely advice from the 13th century.

“Be patient where you sit in the dark, the dawn is coming.”