San Diego Union-Tribune (Sunday)
WHAT IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GENDER IS TOXIC?
In our binary-obsessed culture that socializes us based on our genitals, it can be difficult to distinguish which aspects of ourselves are authentic and which are learned through our culture. For many queer and trans “folx,” this process is lifelong.
I decided to make the following list to help highlight some of the red flags I noticed in my relationship with gender. Here are five questions to ask to determine whether your relationship with gender is toxic.
• Do you feel responsible for how people perceive you?
Essentially, the way I dressed and expressed myself for decades was based on what I knew was popular. I cared more about fitting in than about being authentic. It was always what my body could tolerate for the sake of appearances rather than what it enjoyed. I thought that if someone did not like my appearance, it was up to me to change to meet their standards so that my appearance would not be a distraction to getting to know me. For example, if others thought I was overweight, my first response was “How can I lose weight?” rather than “How can I care less about what they think?”
• Do you talk differently about people of another gender in their presence than in their absence?
I was completely socialized to see men as inferior to women, and that was my version of antimachista “feminism.” It was so easy to confirm my beliefs when a man would disappoint a woman or femme in my life and so easy to erase the men who impressed me. I would throw around “Men are trash” and ratas de dos patas casually, not understanding how I was enforcing the idea that my own masculinity was inherently toxic. Judging men for the conse
quences of the cis-hetero patriarchy is futile and harmful to myself.
Do you credit your accomplishments or desired traits to your gender?
Crediting your accomplishments to your gender makes it more difficult to perceive yourself as a human who can play with gender as opposed to a gendered human. For example, if I am compassionate because I am a girl, do I stop being compassionate when I stop being girly? Do I expect everyone who is not girly to be uncompassionate? Now my brain has limited who can be perceived as compassionate and what restrictions I need to enforce to be perceived as compassionate myself. Now I understand being compassionate (or smart or hard-working or sensitive ...) has nothing to do with gender.
Who are your idols? Do you admire anyone who does not share your gender or who is not cis?
Who we idolize says a lot about who we are and
what we stand for. If we only look to certain experiences as worthy of admiration, we limit our perception of what is possible for us. Unfortunately, society has done a great job of limiting transgender representation in our media and education as part of enforcing the gender binary. I encourage you to include transgender and gender nonconforming representation in your life for inspiration about what a healthier relationship with gender could look like for you.
Do you compare your body to that of an able-bodied, thin, ciswhite magazine-cover celebrity to determine its worth?
Growing up, it was very clear to me that my body was not ideal. I felt unattractive for being overweight, for having darker skin than my Barbies, and for dressing like a “tomboy.” I judged myself rather than the system as if it was my fault that my body did not meet these discriminatory standards of beauty. I notice how it is still difficult to disentangle myself from the perception of my body by others, but the fact of the matter is that conforming to cis-whiteness does not make one beautiful or more worthy of anything. My body is worthy of love just for existing.