San Diego Union-Tribune (Sunday)

Friend aggressive in ‘sale’ of hallucinog­enic-therapy

Tell Me About It

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Dear Carolyn: My closest friend of the past dozen years has been telling me I should participat­e in a guided hallucinog­enic-therapy session because of what she considers my anxiety problem.

I am an anxious person, no doubt. Mostly it serves to make me work harder, spend less, and deliberate both sides of a decision before committing to one. I’m highly successful in my career, and colleagues are always surprised to learn there’s an undercurre­nt of anxiety fueling my hard work.

My friend has talked repeatedly about how abnormal my anxiety is and asks why I would accept this state. But other women I know also confess that anxiety plays a significan­t role in propelling them forward — deemed perfection­ism, I’d guess. I don’t know any different, and I’m not an unhappy person. In fact, with age I’ve grown calmer.

This friend has asked almost once a week if I’ll join her in a session. She even offered to pay for it. I feel like I’m in a used-car dealership with a high-pressure salesperso­n. I say I’m open to learning more but it’s not something I feel is necessary.

She has lots of great qualities as a friend, but she is known to be judgmental. I haven’t figured out how to safely navigate a clear response to her. Can you help me? Pressured

Answer: Why is it “safe” for her to intrude into your psychic business on a weekly basis, but not “safe” for you to insist she stand down?

It does not matter whether you have anxiety, whether you’re normal, whether you’re happy.

It does not matter whether this treatment would help you. (That’s also not for me to address.)

It does not matter whether your friend is judgmental.

The answer is the same about any recommenda­tion by anyone about anything.

Your life, your right to say no. Being “open to learning more,” meanwhile, is more yes than no. So say no unequivoca­lly: “I have heard you and thought about it, and my answer is no.”

And if she presses: “Please stop.” And if she presses: “I’ve listened. I’ve said no. It bothers me that you’re still pressing. I won’t engage if you bring it up again.”

For this part, ugh, I’m sorry! really! to risk becoming part of the same problem we’re trying to solve here: If you find you can’t stand up to invaders of your personal space in this basic, definitive way, then it might behoove you to line up some therapy sessions to give your reasons a closer look.

Dear Carolyn: About hiding a cancer diagnosis (bit.ly/secretc): I was diagnosed with cancer — since cured — and asked my wife not to tell anyone immediatel­y after hearing I had cancer. She soon told her sisters and a friend about it, in spite of my wishes. I told her this was a betrayal of trust. She said it wasn’t, no matter how I tried to explain my feelings.

I now weigh everything I say to her so she cannot betray me again. If or when I come up with another illness, she will find out at my funeral.

No Name Please

Answer: I agree with you that it was a betrayal of trust.

I also recognize it’s your prerogativ­e how you handle personal medical news.

And I freely admit I am about to give you advice you didn’t ask for.

But: Handed those exact conditions, I would have betrayed you, too. That’s because the only other choices would be to dump my worries back on you — never fair to the patient (bit.ly/dumpout) — or to hold them all in, which would wear me out and diminish my caregiving strength.

Cancer gave you a tough emotional workload, and you leaned on your wife; you gave your wife a tough emotional workload, then forbade her from leaning on anyone. I could argue you did as much to compromise your marriage as she did, just in a less obvious way.

Dear Carolyn: So someone sent our son a pretty awful book through an online retailer — I’m guessing another teen because it relies on gross-out humor and the f-word for its hilariousn­ess — and while we are not prudes, this is just ... terrible. And our kid claims to have no idea who would send it. My inclinatio­n is to ignore it and see if another kid owns up, but my husband wants to know who sent it — although, really, there is nothing to do. We’re not going to yell at whoever it is. Just ignore, right?

Email Carolyn at tellmewash­post.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 9 a.m. Pacific time each Friday at www.washington­post.com.

Anonymous

Answer: Yes, but you’re not the one who needs persuading.

So, Husband: For parents, teen years deliver the white-knuckle ride of waning influence and life-or-death importance. Don’t waste dwindling parental capital on relative trifles like this.

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