Kid feels isolated because mom limits screen time

Dear Carolyn: My parents have been cutting down on my online time with friends. I know this sounds like a little 8-year-old crying to someone that he can’t play Fortnite, but this is becoming a problem. Before the pandemic I was able to see my friends practically every day, but now that we are in a global pandemic, I can’t see them that much. My friend and I rely on each other so much, so when my mom told me I could only go online with him five times a week I got a little upset.

That passed. Then over time she took more and more away, and she knows I rely on my friends for my mental health.

Now I only usually see him two to three times a week, this has taken a huge toll on me. I don’t have much motivation to do anything because I can’t see or even hear from my friend most of the week.

My mother uses this during arguments and decisions to gain more leverage.

My friend is experimenting with a different pronoun and needs as much support as he can get, but I can’t be around to help. Please offer some advice that I could use to talk to my mom about this.

Depressed in D.C. Answer: You do not sound like an 8-year-old crying for more Fortnite.

You sound like a person struggling in a very understandable way through normal conflict with parents, abnormal times and isolation from your social outlets. You miss your friends. You and millions of me both.

Your mother apparently has other concerns about your health that she thinks are more important. Maybe it’s about screen time (if so, I’m sympathetic, if not automatically in agreement); maybe it’s about your friend’s gender identity (if so, I’m not sympathetic). Maybe it’s something else entirely. Whatever it is, her seeing it as paramount has apparently — since I have only your side of the story — obstructed her view of your mental health.

So while I will suggest a way to talk to your parents, it’s also time to get another set of adult, properly credentialed eyes on the situation, just in case. From easiest access to hardest, consider a favorite teacher, a school counselor, your pediatrician or a therapist. Please reach out right away.

Then talk to your parents, keeping it simple, clear and true: “I feel isolated and depressed.”

Also acknowledge their intent: “I know you’re worried about X.” Whatever their reasons for limiting your time, good or bad, you will need to reckon with them — the more respectfully the better. “I ask that we use something else for leverage, because I am struggling.”

Before there was ever a COVID-19 to upend our daily reality or a Fortnite to help us escape from it, there have been challenges and, with them, imperatives to be resourceful, patient, flexible, tough. Loving families can disagree on how to face them — and sometimes it can feel like major conflict when the only difference is they’re very worried about your future and you’re very worried now.

Dear Carolyn: My wife has longtime friends who live on the other side of town.

I have not enjoyed their company, as they talk incessantly about themselves, and manage to see them as infrequently as possible. I realize their behavior comes from a deep insecurity, but it does not make for a satisfying relationship. My wife gets this but still feels an obligation to socialize with them once in a while.

They also ask to be included in other aspects of our social life, which we have ignored.

Now they are talking about moving to our neighborhood in our retirement years because we are “such good friends.”

Name Withheld

Answer: There is some chance — admittedly not a great one, given how oblivious they seem to be about your various tactics to avoid their company — that they already got their answer, from your face. I’m guessing it was the E on the face chart for anyone paying attention.

You obviously can’t stop them from moving wherever they please. You can, however, at a minimum, scrutinize your social behavior for any mixed signals about your enthusiasm for their friendship. Your polite detachment could read to them as steady attention. Consider adjusting your schedule to better reflect your true preference. Certainly your wife can see them without you, and explain your absence as a matter of “other plans.”

It also wouldn’t be inaccurate to respond, if it ever comes up again, that you’d feel terrible if they moved there only to see you and your wife, in your retirement, relocate somewhere else entirely. Because who knows what life brings — so that would be a risk for them to weigh carefully before making such a big decision, even if they were the best friends you’d ever had.