HELLO, MY NAME IS ...

I KNEW I WAS NONBINARY AND NEEDED A NEW NAME

If eyes are a window to the soul, names are a bridge to the world. It’s how we introduce ourselves to others, how they remember us, how history and numerous forms and files record our very existence. “Say their names” has taken on a sadness and strength in recent years. Sometimes, we give ourselves new names, or have them bestowed upon us, involuntarily. Names are power, as these four writers explain.

I was quite the troublemaker when I was little. “Junie B. Jones” was my favorite series of books, and little me resembled the main character greatly. During recess, you would find me play-fighting with boys on the field. I spent more than a few recesses in the office for being too rough. I never considered myself “one of the guys,” but I also didn’t relate to the girls who liked to play house. Unless I was the dad. I was definitely girly, though. My room was painted Crayola lavender, I had a princess Perkins (they/them/theirs) is a recent graduate in media studies at San Diego State University, and lives in the College Area. canopy attached to my ceiling, Barbies were my favorite toy and I was obsessed with Disney princesses. But something always felt off.

Maybe it was my height. I was always the tallest girl, even taller than the boys. In middle school, my friends would ask for hugs so they could pretend I was their crush. This was confusing for an entirely different reason, but I soon figured it out. I like girls. That must be why I felt so different. I was happy with this discovery, but it didn’t explain everything. I liked being feminine, but I hated being perceived as “female.” I started growing uncomfortable with my given name and went almost exclusively by a nickname for years.

I finally found the words to describe this lingering feeling of alienation in high school in 2016. One of my friends was exploring their gender and encouraged me to do the same. I found the term “nonbinary,” which means someone who exists outside of the gender binary, and things started clicking. It explained so much, but it also left me confused. Representation of nonbinary people was extremely masculine. On top of this, I was grappling with my sexuality and wanting to “look gay.” Lesbian fashion stereotypes are almost exclusively masculine, from shaved heads to flannels and cargo shorts. I was tired of things not making sense, so I tried to fit those stereotypes. I wore more men’s clothing and tried to pose “like a guy” in selfies. I also started exploring new names.

It’s practically a transgender rite of passage to consult babynaming websites at least once while figuring out your identity. I also asked friends for recommendations. I still have the list that one friend made, dated June 17, 2017. She came up with names like Jules, Nova and Quincy, among others. I fell in love with the name Quincy, but it didn’t feel right, so I gave it to my first Dungeons and Dragons character. I almost went with Jules, which, coincidentally, is my partner’s name. I settled on Nova. It was neutral enough and less feminine than my deadname. I wanted to be a writer, too, and I thought Nova

NANCEE E. LEWIS Juniper Perkins, a recent San Diego State University graduate, poses for a photograph Thursday on the SDSU campus. They majored in media studies.