Wife tells partner his feelings are not her problem

Carolyn: My wife can be a pretty harsh communicator. And if I tell her she has offended me or hurt my feelings, she replies, “Nobody can offend you/hurt your feelings — only you can decide whether to react that way.”

I feel shut down and invalidated. I hope you can help me either deal with my feelings better, or help us communicate more effectively.

A.

Answer: I’d say her communication is ruthlessly effective and clear. She doesn’t intend to change anything to ease your emotional distress. Your move.

She is a harsh communicator because the views she communicates are harsh. Yes, you decide how you feel and behave. But the same applies to her — so if she’s knowingly hurtful, then blames you for hurting? Only she can decide whether to act that way, to borrow her phrasing. And her choice sounds abusive. She can decide instead to listen and acknowledge your point of view, even when she disagrees. That’s something non-abusive people find ways to do respectfully.

Her view is a common, self-serving distortion of emotional basics. I’ll explain using the royal “we.” We are responsible for our own behavior and feelings, yes, but that includes our effect on others. It’s our job to read that and respond morally, compassionately, productively, judiciously, to the best of our ability. That doesn’t mean caving — just being mindful of our impact.

The royal we can also choose to be a complete ass instead, since we do have the option — but the repercussions of that choice are on us. Being despised and avoided, for example.

Now for your part: When someone does things you find hurtful or offensive, then you can decide to speak up. Then, if nothing changes, you can decide to weigh whether you’re the one at fault, or to adjust your behavior in hopes of getting different results.

Then, if the results disappoint, you can decide there’s no healthy way to be around behavior like hers, and decide what’s next for your marriage.

I am happy to validate you: Your feelings matter.

But the validation you need is your own. Treat your feelings as worth standing up for against your wife’s resistance. The point of marriage is to combine (emotional, physical, material) resources for a stronger unit than each of you was alone. If you’re diminished by yours, then it’s not working. Solo therapy or a call to RAINN, 1-800-656-HOPE, can help you start to rebuild.

Dear Carolyn: How do I break up with a friend? Ghosting is out because we’re too close, and I want to do it in a mature, honest way. However, if I’m honest it will hurt her.

Essentially, she has changed over the past few years and so have I. I find her materialistic nature unbearable since she married again. The way she speaks to her new husband reminds me of the unhealthy ways I used to act years ago before lots of therapy.

Quite frankly, she’s different from any of my friends and I no longer find it amusing.

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Answer: If you’re too close to waft away, then you’re close enough to tell the truth in the incremental, relevant, productive way people do when they share an intimate connection:

“When you talk to your husband that way, I feel really uncomfortable. What’s going on?”

“Noooo, please, no more talk about shopping!”

“I’m surprised to hear you say that.”

“If we keep bragging about our vacations, we’ll be the people we used to commiserate about.”

“I think of us a few years ago, and this just seems really different.”

Some of these are difficult, too. But they’re bite-size truths as opposed to one big, “I don’t like you anymore,” side of insult beef. Plus, they fit the moment — and, so important, they allow her to understand how she’s coming across to you and respond in the moment. She can check herself, change the subject, thank you for your candor, confide in you. She can challenge your interpretation of her. She can try to keep you, or decide she’s done.

All of these seem fair. Right? To make her an equal partner in the direction your friendship takes? You might even find it’s salvageable, if she’s not too far gone or you haven’t waited too long to speak up.

Regardless, talking to her this way leaves you with a shorter path to travel if you decide it’s time to back out of the friendship. “I’ve been talking to you about this, but nothing has really changed — I just feel like we’re going in different directions.”

In fact, this is really a back door to knowing whether any of us has been fair and honest over the course of a relationship: When we say we’re through, how blindsided will the other person be? Assuming they’re not in denial, how much of our discontent will they be hearing only now for the first time?