Can’t anybody here shoot the basketball?

Sez Me …

There’s a great chance all 600 British soldiers would have survived the Balaclava Light Brigade — if the Russians shot with the inaccuracy of players in this men’s NCAA Tournament.

I have no idea who is going to win Monday’s finale, and while it may matter to their alums, bracketeers and inveterate gamblers, it doesn’t to me. I have no crow in this nest.

I’ll watch, as always. Maybe it will be enjoyable, but it’s easier to dead-lift a thousand pounds than raise my hopes.

The Tournament is one of the greatest things in sports. I’ve watched many hours of this one. I once loved the game so (I was an NBA freak and can’t watch a game now), when it was played as it was supposed to be played.

Now there are times when I’ve felt as though Will Smith has been slapping me in the face.

To bed I go, the “Anvil Chorus,” with clanging rims for musical instruments, blaring in my head, as I count officiating mistakes instead of sheep.

College basketball has been more about coaching. Jim Brandenburg always told me you go with the “jockeys” in the Tournament. From what I’ve seen, many of these coaches/jocks couldn’t adjust their trousers.

It’s three, three, three, dunk. And because nearly every inside shot is contested, there basically has to be a headlock for a foul to be called. There is so much traveling and carrying the ball over, at times I have to turn my eyes away.

Great defense? Great excuse.

The last two minutes of college games can be interminable, teams who’ve been playing like crap fouling away, hoping the other guys miss free throws (so important in the Tournament) — which they so often do. These are intentional fouls — and would be earlier in games.

Houston made 1 of 20 3s in its loss to Villanova, and the Cougars lost by six (despite Nova shooting 28 percent from the floor). Kelvin Sampson is a helluva coach. How do you not adjust? How do you not run real plays?

Forget the NBA, which never will be fixed. The problem is, basketball players play pick-up basketball when they’re not playing real basketball. Get the kids to learn fundamentals before it’s too late. The women do. Dump the Steph Curry tape.

You can’t be Steph Curry any more than you can be Michael Jordan.

I have a suggestion: Make every shot that hits the rim two points. Very high scoring games, but what the hell?

This should be fun. Far too often it is agonizing. …

Women’s basketball has improved so much. It’s come so far they’re allowed to travel. …

Good to see women’s officials can be game-changers, too. …

Arkansas’ Jaylin Williams took more charges than Visa. …

I’m so tired of this. North Carolina’s Leaky Black is yet another who stole my nickname. …

See where Lavar Ball now is making money off of AT&T, which should mean I get my money back. …

Lebron won a worst actor Razzie, but it wasn’t for his powerful supporting role in “Cocoon II: L.A.” …

Twitter asks the question: “You get $5 million if you don’t watch baseball for a full calendar year. Could you do it?” Yes. I watch a lot of games, but it isn’t always baseball, so I’ll take the dough. …

Browns owner Jimmy Haslam says acquiring Deshawn Watson strictly was a decision by football operations. So that’s it. Football guys paid a quarterback with 22 sexual misconduct cases under his shoulder pads $230 million guaranteed? Turnover. Buck poorly passed. …

And to think, “sportsmanship” was a big topic at last week’s owners meetings. …

Watson’s contract will change things. I see the day when QB salaries are separated from the cap. …

Roger Goodell says that his NFL, by golly, listens to the fans. Yeah. Like Beethoven could. …

Brandon Staley says linebacker Kyzir White “was a favorite of mine.” Right. Now, the Judases’ leading tackler, leaving a defense with tackling issues, has a chance to become Nick Sirianni’s favorite. …

Bill Belichick won’t name an offensive coordinator: “I’m not big on titles.” So he’s not “head coach.” That guy is the best. …

Bruce Arians eventually will unretire and move to a team without Tom Brady (if he can find one). …

No explanation given for

Mike Mccarthy skipping the NFL winter meetings, but Per, my best source, says Mike won’t stay in a hotel that doesn’t provide wake-up calls. …

Robert Kraft is “bothered” by his Patriots not winning a playoff game over the past three years. That’s a shame. But he always could have his aggravation massaged away. …

The Chiefs may get a new stadium? Arrowhead is the best place to watch an NFL game. …

I’m not complaining about the NFL’S new playoff overtime rule, which gives both teams at least one possession. But don’t call it the Josh Allen rule, because he could have done more in regulation. And his defense could have stopped K.C. in OT. …

Let’s dump OT. When tied at the end of regulation, coaches play odds and evens. …

The Strike Force has two needs — strike and force. …

Johnny Manziel will stay put in 7-on-7 football, saying he’s done trying to play at a higher level. Did he ever? Does he have a choice? …

Can’t take away Manziel’s college career, though. He was incredible. …

Tyreek Hill almost went to the Jets. Until he was told it wasn’t Winnipeg. …

Happy birthday, Diana Ross. Never won a Grammy. Astonishing. …

Insisting they already live in the most stoned state, Kentucky pols have scratched a bill to legalize marijuana. …

Until Fernando Tatis returns, the Pads should start CJ Abrams at shortstop. As Don Coryell would say: “He runs like a deer. Only a few born every year.” …

The Padres get Matt Beaty from the Dodgers. He batted .270 last season, which means he’ll improve to .190 here. …

The Dodgers, with the greatest lineup (Bankers Row) since the 1927 Yankees, are hawking opening-day tickets. Hilarious. …

At first I thought Will Smith and Chris Rock were paying homage to The Stooges. …

Smith’s lucky he wasn’t thrown into the jug, where he could have been handed an Oscar with a file in it. …

Hilly Augusta is not Al Abrego’s Pitch & Putt. It’s a hike. If Tiger can play the Masters, he can free climb the cliffs of Navarone. …

Add another name to San Diego’s great golfing honor roll. Congratulations to Steele Canyon High’s Anna Davis, all of 16, winning the Augusta National Women’s Amateur. …

MLB network has added honesty. Analyst Jake Peavy .…

RIP, Jim Dietz, an amazing man who literally constructed Aztecs baseball with his bare hands. …

Stink O’ The Week Sezment: Ham & Eggers. For pulling an overnight bike lane surprise on Gold Coast Drive in Mira Mesa. No warning to residents. So uncaring. How much longer can we stand for this? …

Future Congressmen taking oaths should have to say: “I’m not an orgy guy!” …

“The world has gone mad today.” Cole Porter wrote those lyrics. In 1934.

sezme.godfather@gmail.com twitter: Twitter: @sdutcanepa

Sports poll

Q: In what place will the Padres finish in the National League West?

1. First

2. Second

3. Third

4. Fourth

5. Fifth

Call (619) 293-2727 to vote by midnight Wednesday or go to www.sandiegouniontribune.com to cast your vote until noon Saturday.

Last week

Do you welcome the designated hitter to the National League? 1. Yes, 238 (42)

2. No, 333 (58 percent)