THOSE HUMAN ACTORS!

(Disclosure: Every so often, I try to write a Hollywood thing and it goes nowhere, though sometimes it goes nowhere after someone has paid me an amount of money and we have signed a contract, so I have a dog in the writers strike fight, if not a dog who is my regular employer!)

My dear shareholders! Do not worry about the fact that all the screen actors and screenwriters are on strike.

If there is one thing I have figured out about the meaning of life and the meaning of art, it is that art is something that should be entirely the product of machines and robots while people march around with picket signs and complain that they cannot afford food and housing. Also, no one should ever be paid a residual, whatever that is. I just don’t like the sound of it.

Art, as we know, represents the fundamental human striving to wring profit for a large corporation from a concept that already exists in the culture. It might involve human beings coming together to tell stories with their minds, bodies and faces, but it doesn’t need to. In fact, I think it would be more efficient if it didn’t.

I do not doubt that we, the studios, are on the right side of this standoff. Yes, human beings have been coming together to tell stories for thousands of years, but just because you’ve been doing something for thousands of years, that doesn’t mean you enjoy it or need to keep doing it. You know what else we’ve had for thousands of years? Tooth decay!

When our ancestors sat around the cave fires at night, sure, they told stories. Certainly, they scrawled on the walls of their caves, but as an executive, I know for a fact that they hated that part of being alive so much. They said to themselves, “Someday, when we have indoor plumbing and can live as we choose, we will be able to delegate this tiresome dreaming and telling of stories entirely to robots and billionaires. The only good part of drawing mammoths on the walls of caves is the fact that I, the illustrator, am not being compensated monetarily in any way for doing so.” (This primal yearning for people to not be compensated for their creative efforts except in exposure is something that has driven artists for a long time and we hope will continue to drive them, in case our AI idea backfires.)

We will be fine without these humans with their so-called faces and voices and acting. If Marvel films thus far have not been populated entirely by CGI characters, it is only for want of sufficient motivation, and I’m sure we can fix that.

Let me tell you about the business of dreams. When people go to the movies, or to the televisions, do you know what they say to themselves? Certainly not “I want to be transported to another place, to meet people who will make me laugh and cry and be moved and experience catharsis.” Nobody ever uses the word “catharsis.” They say, “Give me my movie about a Keurig cup written by an AI! But be warned, if this movie contains even a single original thought, I am going to throw my Keurig cup at the screen and then scream until the ushers remove me.”

Besides, when you think about movies you have loved, remember how many of their best parts were machines. I have always felt that C-3PO was the best part of “Star Wars” — what do you mean a human played him? There was a human man inside the suit? R2-D2 at least — wait, that was also a human man? Well, the Terminator — Gov.

When you think about movies you have loved, remember how many of their best parts were machines.

Schwarzenegger? I suppose you are going to tell me that every robot I ever saw on screen was a human being in disguise. Data? No, there is no way that was a human man. I am sure Data will help.

Look, if there is one thing we can agree on, it’s that we don’t need people to tell stories. Stories are a commodity. Human faces? I can take them or leave them! Uncanny valley? Sounds like a place where we’ve finally solved the problem of people having pores. Listen, human actors are problematic — they say things, and they have faces and bodies that exist in multiple dimensions, and people on the internet get mad about all of that! Especially when those actors are women! The worst! Less of all this, please.

When I think about the power of film, I don’t think about words said by a person on a screen. I think about the most important quotes: those sweet box office dollars. I know that’s what everyone thinks about. When I remember “Casablanca,” that classic scene, that perfect quote really sums it all up: “Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.” That’s so true. People are so small, and their problems matter so little. But beans! We all love beans: counting them, making hills of them. Love, love, love it! I will have an AI write a movie about that.

is on Twitter, @petridishes.