Reader wants to send an apology letter for having an affair while man was engaged

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared May 13 and 20 and June 12, 2009.

Dear Carolyn: A few years ago, I got into a relationship with an older (by 10 years) engaged man. I was an emotional mess, and he was also in a bad state, although I didn’t really recognize any of that at the time. When he finally had the guts to tell me in no uncertain terms that he did not love me or plan a future with me, I lost it and tipped off his fiancée. I didn’t apologize for my role in the whole thing, and now I feel really bad about that — about having pursued him when I knew he was engaged.

I know through mutual friends that they reconciled and have since married. Would it be good/okay to write now and apologize, or is that just stirring up old pain for no reason?

Are Apologies Always a Good Thing? Answer: Oh, my. That would be (b), stirring up old pain for no reason.

Apologies aren’t a good thing when the apology does nothing to improve the quality of life of the person you wronged. Had the fiancée been your friend, for example, or sister, then I could see her being haunted by the betrayal, and therefore (arguably) liberated by an apology.

But if you and the fiancée were essentially strangers, then what does she gain from having you back in her life, even if only on paper? You didn’t know her personally, and so you meant her no harm personally, which she’d know if she paid attention. Your apology wouldn’t tell her anything more, except that you felt bad. Maybe she wished that on you then, but even then it was beside the point; the road to peace was through her fiancé, one way or the other.

That doesn’t leave you entirely without recourse. Doing something rotten that you know was rotten and that you can’t undo or repair will feel, understandably, like a personal low point — but as anyone who has navigated out of the depths can tell you, it’s part devastation, part opportunity.

Your impulse to apologize is an impulse to be good. So find some other, private ways to be good, to balance out the losses you caused and then some. It doesn’t erase your mistake, of course; all it does is change the proportions of what you leave in your wake. A preponderance of good reduces mistakes to exceptions.

Dear Carolyn: What is a good reply to someone whose punchline to a joke is at your expense, and that person knows you well enough to know it hits too close to home? This was at that person’s own birthday party, making it hard to be a killjoy.

What do you say to that same person, to whom you confided several secrets they promised not to divulge, when you find they have divulged those secrets? This person is a relative. I need to get the point across tactfully so as not to upset the family dominoes.

V. Answer: It’s not your tactfulness that should concern you. After humiliating you in public and betraying your confidence, this person has made it clear s/he isn’t much for tact. And that means you’re overdue to adjust both your opinion of and approach to this person.

Everyone knows public humiliation and broken confidences are deplorable. That’s why anyone who does either on more than rare and regretted occasions either hasn’t a clue or doesn’t want one.

If you’d merely like this relative to know you’re hurting, then a post-party “I felt really humiliated” will suffice. Vanilla but effective.

But if you’re hoping to transform a rude person into a polite one, please just accept this person can’t be trusted. Vanilla, but necessary.

Dear Carolyn: My ex-boyfriend has a girlfriend. He has been emailing and texting me for five months, telling me I am the love of his life. We live on different coasts. If I were in her place, I’d be heartbroken. Yet I want to see if I could be with him. This stinks, mostly for her, but for all of us.

Santa Monica Answer: Sure, but you’re making it sound more complicated than it is. Regardless of whether you and he have a future, he and his girlfriend don’t. He’s mistreating her, and you’re abetting that, and until you both stop doing these things, neither of you can offer integrity, which is the only future you want.

Email Carolyn at tellmewashpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www. facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 9 a.m. Pacific time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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