San Diego Union-Tribune (Sunday)
Football flops made 2023 a tough year
The biggest problem I’ve had going through life is that I have the face of a husband. It cannot be masked. I am Ward Cleaver. Ozzie Nelson. Howard Cunningham. Permanently draped in cardigan.
Ranking up there is football. It is a game that has driven me along the toll road to Nutsville. So, what follows is saying something.
I insist, without hesitation, that 2023 has been the worst football year of my existence. And I’ve been watching the game since the fourth-millennium BC Sumerians invented the wheel — and, hence, the wheel route.
So much about the game is bad. But since my India Street Rat days, I genuinely have cared for and had great interest in three football organizations — USC, San Diego State, and The NFL Team That Used To Be Here (you know, The Judases/l.a. Lodgers).
And they all have stunk it out in 2023.
Certainly there have been seasons when all three have not been Chanel No. 5. But there never has been one when I actually have turned off Trojans and Aztecs games — and it’s only because I am the teacher that I have watched the Judases in their entirety, for my Report Card (the letter “F” on my keyboard has burst into flames).
I can only take so much boredom and ineptitude — without pay. Far too much of this was unwatchable — and, in the case of the J’s, still unwatchable, with Justin “Badfinger” Herbert in the nurse’s office.
It was so bad, two of the three coaches — SDSU’S Brady Hoke and the Judases’ Brandon Staley — have been canned. Forget the Holiday Bowl. SC’S Lincoln Riley had a terrible year despite having the nation’s best player at QB.
The Aztecs, with a new, underattended stadium, failed in an effort to get into a larger conference, and put the most boring product imaginable on the field this decade. They have replaced Hoke with offensive guru Sean Lewis, who, if nothing else, will have to sit in his cellar blindfolded during games to put a more tedious product on the field. Their best player since COVID-19 hit has been a punter.
Riley can coach offense. Coach the hell out of it. But his defenses — especially this season’s — not only have been the worst in school history, but among the worst since Lombardi’s birth. With the Trojans headed to the Big Ten, he needs beef, and he reportedly is recruiting it. If he can hold teams under 40, he should be fine. His young backups played much better than his absent starters in the Holiday.
As for the Judases, they played like crap before Herbert’s finger injuries, and after allowing a historic 63 points to the Raiders — who had been shut out the week before and since beat the Chiefs with no offense whatsoever — finally canned Staley and have begun a search for a savior coach they actually may pay above minimum wage. Oh, they also included Gm-without-portfolio Tom Telesco as the fall guy.
The J’s continue to have horrible luck with injuries and have more holes than Sonny Corleone, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow combined. They continue to draw thousands of opposing fans. They are owned and operated by Fredo Spanos, who was born without the embarrassment gene.
These are my teams, the ones I care about.
But as we head into the unknown of 2024, I know one thing. It can only get better. Or maybe it can’t. …
Lying, Sean Payton says he benched Russell Wilson because he’s desperately trying to win. So he’s starting Jarrett Stidham. In Sean’s defense, Jared probably can beat the Judases today. …
Denver made the worst trade in history to get Wilson. Payton didn’t do it. Wilson never was his guy. He shouldn’t have taken the job. Denver’s going to be 5,280 feet over the cap. …
Yeah. That’s a shame. … Is Russell a Hall of Famer?
Bart Scott points out Wilson and Joe Flacco basically have the same career numbers and accomplishments. So? No. …
Flacco was looking for coins under his couch cushions a month ago. …
I like Baker Mayfield. I’ve liked him since the day he ran from that cop and got sacked. …
Nine starting quarterbacks are out in the AFC, five in the NFC. Think of the millions the likes of Joe Burrow ($55 million), Herbert ($52.5), Deshaun Watson ($46), Aaron Rodgers ($50.3) and Daniel Jones ($40) are being paid to sit. Expensive seats for watching the backup singers. …
I really believe it’s time for the NFL to go to extraordinary lengths to protect quarterbacks. …
Officiating is so bad, the Raiders are the least penalized team in the NFL. …
Not much better in sports than seeing Arrowhead Stadium all but empty before the end of the game. K.C. losing to Vegas without allowing an offensive TD? Without allowing a completed pass over the final three quarters? Merry Christmas, to me. …
Funny, when the Chiefs really had it going, it was all Andy Reid, not Eric Bieniemy. Now Unsocial Mediaites are saying how much they miss Bieniemy’s attention to detail. …
The hot Browns lead the NFL in turnovers. So now mistakes are good things. …
Once a good luck charm, Taylor Swift has become Zola Budd .…
They say the Timberwolves play great “defense.” I’d like to be the judge of that, but it’s the NBA, so I can’t. …
Watched people in Vegas casinos and couldn’t help but wonder how all those players on TV commercials for our local gaming houses could be that damn happy. …
Miller Moss. Rhymes with Heisman. …
Yu Darvish is upset the Pads didn’t make an expensive move for Yoshinobu Yamamoto. Why didn’t you pitch in, Yu? …
To those who pooh-pooh the Aztecs’ win at Gonzaga: Try winning there. …
Although I do not understand why Mark Few stopped the presses, which the Aztecs handled like neophytes. …
Mountain West basketball. No team under .500. …
“Think how stupid the average person is. And then realize half of them are stupider than that.” — George Carlin .…
“Keeping Up With the Kardashians” is in its 20th year. And I am particularly proud to say I have not seen every single episode. …
RIP, Tommy Smothers .A brilliant, funny man, who came complete with a spine. …
Willie Mays thought playing defensive baseball in the L.A. Coliseum was brutal. Think how it was for everyone else. …
Happy 77th, Laffit Pincay Jr. The greatest of race riders. …
Mickey Mantle said that after Don Drysdale hit you with a pitch, he’d come around later to see the bruise, and ask: “Do you want me to sign it?” …
“They shouldn’t throw at me. I’m the father of five or six children.” — Tito Fuentes …
Just thinking. If you have no identity, its theft is of no concern.